Photo: Getty

Photo: Getty

Sometimes it seems that the best way to win over America is by talking about how much you just love to eat. If that’s true, then Blake Lively really, really wants to win affection, you guys. The former Gossip Girl actress talked to The Cut this week about her love of Martha Stewart’s magazine, The Cheesecake Factory (understandable, because The Cheesecake Factory is a delightful food experience no matter how much money or reservations at five-star restaurants you have) and baking cookies. Also discussed is Lively’s latest career venture — the launch of her very own website, which she insists isn’t a “lifestyle” site, despite the insta-comparisons made to Gwyneth Paltrow‘s delusional vision, GOOP.

But while Lively may in fact eat a lot of processed sugar like the rest of America, she’s definitely got way more of the GOOP puppet master in her than the current reigning cool girl, Jennifer Lawrence (whow we would totally want to split an appetizer with over at The Cheesecake Factory, FYI). Every statement that Lively makes in the interview reads as a contrived way to make herself seem incredibly relatable. Sorry, but becoming relatable is going to be a tough task for the girl who played the crazy unlikable Serena van der Woodsen for six seasons and went on a boat date with Leonardo DiCaprio. Here are some quotes that show how badly Lively wants to cash in on this whole “real girl” thing… and how it doesn’t work out for her.

On whether she’d even consider a  pixie cut, AKA J. Law’s latest ‘do:

“For me, my hair is like a shield. I’m actually a pretty shy person by nature. With long hair, you can put your hair down and cover your face. I think a pixie cut is so cute. I just think that everyone that has one is the most courageous person.”

What she really means is, “So cute, I’d just rather die than chop off the one thing that keeps me relevant.” But, you know, snaps for those brave souls.

On whether she uses YouTube to search for makeup tutorials:

“No. I actually didn’t know you could do that. I watch YouTube for lots of dog videos. Have you seen the hound and the orangutan? I want an orangutan so bad. It’s so cute.”

Can this statement be used as evidence to further prove that Blake Lively isn’t the one doing her own makeup? Because the more she insists she does her own hair and makeup the better she looks and the less I believe her story. (Thank God she didn’t mention how she doesn’t use a stylist for the billionth time). Love the bait-and-switch with the orangutan video, which I have never seen and therefore assume that Blake Lively made up on the spot.

On whether she ever changes her perfume:

“When you switch up fragrances, what’s missing is that power. That potion power. That special power. Like when I smell my mom. Or when I smell my sister … it’s like, the most … it’s a superpower! Or a love potion.”

Don’t switch up your perfume, ladies, bad things happen. Also, can you imagine Blake Lively going around and sniffing the girl from Teen Witch? Because apparently that happens in the Lively household. Blake Lively is just a relatable girl who likes to empower herself with Gucci Premiere on the daily.

On chain restaurants in New Jersey:

“You don’t know what Grand Lux is? It’s owned by Cheesecake Factory. It’s not fancy in price or menu. There’s just a lot more gold leafing. Cheesecake Factory is great. It should have Michelin stars.”

“See, I go to restaurants that the masses can afford! I do! Sometimes it’s for the food and not just the gold leafing. Mostly though… it’s the gold leafing”.

On finding pictures of herself on Pinterest:

“Sometimes, it’s weird. If I’m looking [at] hair things, I see, oh, that’s me! That’s so weird!”

Hence why Blake Lively will never get a pixie cut.

On what she considers to be a Lively family holiday tradition:

“Well, eating…”

Blake Lively really likes to do it. Can we get a round of applause for her, please?