In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah (Winfrey) puts the kibosh on rumors that she and BFF Gayle are secret lovers. According to, Oprah tells Walters that “I’m not a lesbian…I’m not even kind of a lesbian.” And to that I say: I think the lady doth protest too much.

Because let’s just be honest here: we’re all kind of a lesbian! Even men are kind of lesbians. I mean, who among us doesn’t love boobs? Who doesn’t flip through the SI swimsuit issue and experience enjoyment even despite our envy-induced rage? Why does anyone watch the Victoria’s Secret fashion show?

That’s right — it’s because we’re all kind of a lesbian. Some more than others, some less. But you only have a one in seven chance of being a zero on the Kinsey scale, and Oprah, that means the odds are against you. Heck, they’re against all of us — or really, they’re in all of our favor. Because if you don’t appreciate cleavage even a little bit, I’m not sure I want to know you.