This weekend was incredibly hectic for me.  Our family just had a lot going on.  Most of it all involved friends and family, it was fun and exciting, sociable stuff.  But it was also a lot of stuff that I just wasn’t in the mood for.  I wanted a terrible TV marathon of Bravo programming this weekend.  I wanted time to lay around my house.  I was thinking about getting around to shaving my legs.  There wasn’t a good excuse for staying home, but I wanted to anyway.

And thankfully, in situations like this, I have a toddler.  Honestly, children are the best excuse you could ever find.  No one doubts you when you blame something on your children.  Even if the kids are old enough to contradict you, no one will believe them.  People with children will smile knowingly, because kids really can mess up your plans.  People without kids will just nod and think, “God, I never want to have kids.”

So in honor of a grown woman sitting at home on a Saturday night and watching a Twilight movie, here’s a list of events that kids will get you out of.

  • Any type of religious ceremony – church, baptisms, weddings, funerals, etc.  Everyone knows that children can’t sit quietly.  Let’s be honest, even if you do show up with your toddlers in tow, everyone will wish you hadn’t.
  • Sporting events.  Once again, sitting in one seat for an extended period of time is not expected for the 5 and under set.  So whether it’s the local minor league hockey team (which happens to be a big thing here in Indiana) or a friend’s child’s soccer game, feel free to skip out.
  • Girlie Parties. Whether they’re selling jewelry, candles or kitchen utensils, no one wants to have a kid running around, picking up all the samples and interrupting the speeches and games that already take too long.
  • Work. Even if your boss knows that you were out with clients til 2am, they can’t doubt your child’s illness.  All the kid needs is a fever and you’re home for the day.
  • Birthday Parties.  For a couple years, this is actually a legitimate excuse.  See, there’s a certain age where children know what a present is and how awesome they are, but it’s a little hard to teach them to care about anyone else.  Be honest, we’ve all sat through a birthday thinking, “Man, I want those presents…”  Well, children haven’t learned that bowling over all the other attendants and stealing anything shiny is impolite.
  • Dinners with people you don’t like. Table manners take time to learn.  Even if your child would make Countess LuAnn proud, no one will doubt you when you say that you’re avoiding restaurants for a while.
  • Absolutely anything. Children have bad days.  After those bad days, most people don’t reward them with social events.  Even the grocery store is an adventure for my daughter.  So if there’s something I’m too exhausted, stressed or lazy to attend, Brenna had a bad day.  Even if she was a model child, she had a bad day.  And we have to learn our lesson by staying home with movies and ice cream.