Polar bears should roll up and start high fiving me over this Coca-Cola cake. OH ONE JUST DID. It was really quick, so I can’t show you a picture. But I will share how to make a Coca-Cola cake with you, so maybe magical things can happen to you, too.

I mentioned to someone that I would eat just about anything made out of Diet Coke, because, obviously, Diet Coke is the best, and I was making a really convoluted joke about dieting that didn’t really play out the way I wanted it to. Then it was pointed out that you can actually make a cake out of Diet Coke. Or, well, regular Coca-Cola, because, Christ, you’re making a cake, go crazy.

I needed to make a cake for a friend’s birthday party tonight anyway (half of this is because I wanted to do something nice, the other half of it is the fact that if you show up to a party in New York with something you baked yourself, people will respond as though you just pulled someone out of the subway. Such wonderment!)

So! This is how you do you make that cake.

First of all you go to a grocery store, and you buy all these things, which is a nightmare, and also impossible, really. Grocery stores never have all the things you need. At the end, after two grocery stores, I figured “fuck the buttermilk” but I am a monster that way, and you probably are not. I don’t know. Maybe you are. Spoiler: the cake will still rise and look normal and be okay without buttermilk, which is not even a real kind of milk, but a sour impostor.

You will, ideally though, have these:

2 cups self-rising flour
2 cups sugar
3 tablespoons cocoa
1 cup Coca-Cola
1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups miniature marshmallows
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup butter
1 tablespoon cocoa
6 tablespoons Coca-Cola
1 box confectioner’s sugar, (1pound)
1/2 cup chopped pecans

First, turn your oven on to 350 degrees.

Then you rub flower and butter all over a 9 by 13 inch pan. I don’t have one of those. I have a round kind of pan, and damned if I am going to buy a new pan. You are supposed to “flour and butter it” which sounds saucy and provocative. I rubbed the shit out of that one pan I own with flour and butter. Like so:

coca cola cake recipe

So then you mix in two cups of flour with two cups of sugar in a bowl. You should absolutely use a larger bowl than the one I use. I make quite poor choices sometimes.

coca cola cake recipeThen you dump the marshmallows, butter (2 sticks), cocoa and Coca-Cola into a saucepan. I think this can either mean a frying pan or the kind of pan you serve soup in. I own both because I am pretty much Julia Child. I used the sauce pan, and this was a pretty good choice.

coca cola cake recipe

I like to cut up the butter first, because it makes it easier to melt. When it’s brought to a boil (bubbles will form! Like you’re some sort of Shakespearian witch!) you should pour it into a large bowl with the flour and sugar mixture.

Not a plastic bowl. It will melt. I’ve made this mistake before. 

It will, ultimately, look like this.

coca cola cake

Now pop it into the floured pan (of any size or shape, really) and put it in the oven which should now be heated to 350.

And now you’re going to make the frosting, which is its whole own thing.

I’d never made frosting before. I’m not sure I was even aware that this was something one did. “Made frosting.” It’s like, I don’t know, making cloth. It’s the kind of thing that seems theoretically possible, if you’re say, Amish or crafty, but in reality you’re going to go buy it pre-made because you don’t own a loom.

Frosting isn’t actually that hard. And it is infinitely easier to frost a cake with frosting you just made. Maybe making cloth isn’t hard either, but it seems highly unlikely that I’ll ever find that out.

Anyhow, first of all you put the butter, cocoa, and Coca-Cola in a saucepan and bring them to a boil. Then, once they are boiling, you dump in the confectioners sugar and chopped pecans and stir. It looks amazing. It looks like this.

coca cola cake

So, then you wait until it cools. The thing is, you can’t let it cool too much. I waited for the cake to finish. I took the cake out of the oven. I decided I’d wait for half an hour because I didn’t want the cake to collapse when I took it out of the pan. By the time I came back the frosting had entirely hardened to the pan. So! Don’t wait that long. You could really probably make the frosting as soon as you took the cake out of the oven, and that would probably work out just about perfectly.

So. When the frosting is warm, and the caked is out, you pour it over the top. And unlike cold frosting out of a can, that’s really all you need to do. You pour it like a glorious chocolate river over the cake, and I swear, it is like a coca cola commercial.

It looks like this.

coca cola cake

I am seriously expecting the Coca Cola Polar Bear to high five me in, say, five seconds.