Daily mail

Every morning, I try to do a “newsy” piece. I was mentioning to a friend that it means that, at least one a day, I type the phrase “according to The Daily Mail” because they are a publication that is all lady issues, all the time. Just only issues about how stars have cellulite in their armpits. I thought maybe I could cut down on the time I spend doing that if you could just reference this post, every morning, forever. Reference this for the rest of your life, because I’ve covered every single article.

According to The Daily Mail Kim Kardashian continues to exist in her human form

According to The Daily Mail celebrities are not apologizing for being unbelievably offensive, we will probably forget about this in a week or so

According to The Daily Mail maybe Jennifer Lawrence could be your friend one day but don’t bank on it or anything.

According to The Daily Mail women are just terrible. They’re not even sorry about how terrible they are. Burn them as witches.

According to The Daily Mail ‘posh’ is a term people use a surprising amount.

According to The Daily Mail celebrities were not always celebrities

According to The Daily Mail women are gobbling up placenta like M&Ms

According to The Daily Mail US teens ‘had three-way sex on corpses of men they lured to their house, strangled to death and hog-tied’, and Americans are the worst people on earth, next to women

According to The Daily Mail please women, be better. For the love of God, just be better.

According to the Daily Mail someone, somewhere lost weight

According to The Daily Mail did they lose their cellulite, this person? Maybe.

According to The Daily Mail this one time, a celebrity went to the gym.

According to The Daily Mail no, but really, you should totally eat some cake.

According to The Daily Mail the Royal family, like Kim Kardashian, is still around, doing things.