I contemplated calling you assholes in the headline, but I didn’t feel like it. Yet. But, listen up my fellow ladies, I hate your stinkin’ guts. You make me vomit. You’re the scum between my toes. You know why? Because you’re disgusting pigs who don’t know how to keep a public restroom clean.

I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One last night along with the billions of Manhattan’s comic-con attendees and obnoxious teenagers. You know you wish you were there too, it’s okay. You’ll get through it. So anyways, while waiting in the freezing cold line to be let in to the theater, I drank an entire ginormous bottle of Arizona Iced Tea. Making a trip to the restroom immediately became a priority after I found my perfect Ron Weasley viewing seat. Not only was the line for the ladies restroom a mile long, but half the stalls were toilet paper-less (either with the entire roll left on the floor rolling in wetness or just simply out) making the line even longer. Now, I know this is nothing new (poor public restroom etiquette and long lines for the ladies’ room), but after last night’s situation, I feel it’s imperative we do something about it.

Really, last night was the worst as far as public restrooms go. And I’ve been in my fair share of terrible restrooms: gas station bathrooms that smell so revolting I’m gagging just thinking about the experience, bathrooms with toilets that haven’t been flushed in weeks and one of my least favorites, the public beach restroom. You would think that women would be able to keep a restroom tidy. You would think. But apparently, there are women out there who prefer to test peeing standing up every time they go to the movies and miss their targets but fail to clean up their mess. And there are women out there who talk on the phone while you know, making some Lincoln logs, and then forget to flush because they’re preoccupied. And then there are the women out there who I think just prefer to pee on the floor. THIS is why the line for the women’s room is always so long. Because some of you are filthy and every time you fail to be clean when going about your toilet business, you make one stall less available. So the line gets backed up because you thought it would be fun to try and be a dude. No! That’s not fun! It’s gross and ruins everything. For everyone.

So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to join together to fight this problem. Next time there’s an empty stall because it’s toilet paper-less, you’re going to go in there anyways and ask the nice lady in the stall next to you for some spare TP. It’ll make the line go faster. Next time someone SOMEHOW pees on the toilet seat (seriously, I still don’t get how this is possible), you’re going to hold your nose and wipe it up. Next time you notice the floor is all slippery and nasty nast, you’re going to tell maintenance about it. Let’s be proactive. If we can’t detect who is causing the problem, we for sure can do everything we can to just keep the dang bathroom clean. It’ll make the experience more pleasant and you won’t have to feel like you want to shower after exiting the restroom. Also, I won’t have to curse you and hope that the death eaters come and suck the life out of you. Don’t make me do it.