Look out! That woman is obsessed!

The baby train. Some people want on, some couldn’t care less and some are just so consumed with the idea of getting not only getting on it, but getting there at record speed that the people are around them start to lose their mind.

Do you know what it’s like to have a friend who is so obsessed with getting pregnant that they’re almost living their lives as if they are pregnant? They’ve stopped drinking, because, you know, just in case. They no longer eat sushi or cold cuts, because, again, there could be a fetus developing a THIS VERY MOMENT. So why should we fuck with it and jeopardize the possibility of having a perfect child? Not that any mother needs a perfect child, they just want it to be happy, of course, but it’s best to cover all your bases and stop doing anything now that you wouldn’t do pregnant.

Then there are those who haven’t transform their lives — yet — but just can’t stop talking about it. Twenty-four hours a day and all you hear is “I’m not pregnant,” “Well, when I get pregnant,” “I think I feel like I may be pregnant — was that a kick?!”

It’s a beautiful thing to want to create, but obsession at any level is bound to drive those around you a bit batty. So if you’re the one having to listen to all this obsession, if you’re the one who can’t bring up anything – even a conversation about, say, garden vegetables – without it somehow turning into a conversation about why you’re friend absolutely must, as in this very second, get knocked up, then don’t fret my furry pets, because you’re not alone.

When Annie accidentally got pregnant with her husband – they weren’t even trying – her sister-in-law, who had been trying, literally lost her shit:

She and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for well over a year and when I could no longer hide the fact that I was pregnant, I thought for sure she was either going to murder me on the spot or we’d have to commit her to an asylum.

She was not only trying to get pregnant obsessively, but it’s all she could even think or talk about for even before that year of trying started.

You know how Charlotte in Sex and the City was losing her mind over trying to get knocked up with Trey? K was just like that. And remember when Miranda got pregnant and considered getting an abortion? Again, it was a similar response. K took it as a personal offense, as if I did it in spite of her. I was selfish and cruel. So I just avoided her at all costs. Even at holidays you’d find me hiding in the other room faraway from her.

When she finally got pregnant several months later she apologized for her behavior, but then she became obsessed with how she was, obviously, going to the be the most perfect mother in the world. I think if I had met her in the early stages of dating Jeremy, it probably wouldn’t have lasted. She’s insane.

Then there are those who piss and moan to their single friends about getting pregnant, but not just in an obsessive way, but also in a condescending way. It’s as though once you’ve decided to have a baby, you all of a sudden have the right to dole out unwarranted advice on love and the deeper meanings of life.

When L decided to she wanted to have a baby with her boyfriend, it was like something evil in her clicked. As a single woman who’s faraway from the whole pregnancy thing, I clearly didn’t understand what it was like to want to have a child. Or at least this is what she informed me: “When you’re finally in real love, you’ll understand the need to procreate. But not until then.”

She’s still not pregnant and if I have to get a play-by-play of her menstrual cycle or hear about his boyfriend’s “good sperm,” one more time, I’ll probably have to temporarily end the friendship until she finally gets knocked-up. Trying to change the subject only lasts so long, then we’re back to talking about how many times a day she takes her temperature. I love her, but there are other things in the world besides her ovaries.

Then there’s Bess who, although half her friends have kids and the other half are single, has never known anyone who was obsessed with trying to get pregnant, but once they did get pregnant, became assholes.

I don’t know anyone who obsessed about getting pregnant before the fact, but, man, do I know way too many who after they finally did get pregnant because obsessed with it and themselves. Even friends who got pregnant unexpectedly or accidentally and decided to keep it!

You do realize that pregnant women are better than you, right? Have you seen that video about how pregnant women are smug? (My answer was no.) I’ll send you the link! But it’s so fucking true! Even if they’re not psychotic about getting to the preggers point, once they’re there some of them become so self-righteous it makes me sick. And it’s not as though you can confront them – all those hormones at work are bound to get you a reaction that rivals Godzilla or something equally scary. Your buddy Blair knows (STFUParents) – she documents it all the time! If I’m like that when I decide to have a kid, smack me.”

Will do, Bess.

Having a baby for some women is the ideal goal and when that goal seems faraway it’s easy to become obsessed. I get that, we all that get that, even those of us who aren’t ready to ride the baby train.

While there is no exact way to deal with the pregnancy-obsessed in a calming, non-confrontational way, because it is such a sensitive subject, all we (the non-obsessed) can do is smile and be cool. You’ve probably obsessed over Johnny Cakes or passing Logic back in college, so you should know friendship is a give and take. You just have to hope that once that pregnancy goal is reached, things will go back to normal – or almost normal. And if it doesn’t, then maybe it’s time for an honest heart-to-heart chat. If you’re friend values your relationship, one has to hope that she’ll be open to the conversation.

The overall consensus (besides hiding, as Annie did, or moving, as Bess suggested), is just smile through gritted teeth and accept it. That’s all you can really do sometimes – accept, love and promise yourself you’ll never be so obsessed when you step up the baby train station.

As for that video Bess mentioned, it’s pretty great even if you can’t relate just yet:


Photo: ToddlerTimes