elvira scarface

The last time I was offered cocaine, it was by a woman snorting it off a porta potty toilet at Fashion Week. This was a few years ago and I always kind of kept this incident mind. Periodically, often while waiting for 7 years to get into a bathroom at Rose Bar, I would ask myself “who does cocaine?”And Myself replied in this beautiful Margaret Thatcher voice “people who don’t fear the porta potties at Fashion Week.” So, people who are destined to die, soon.

I think the only other time cocaine was offered to me was during college, and I considered it, because I love French Aristocrats, and therefore really enjoyed Cruel Intentions, and was taken with the notion of hiding cocaine in a cross necklace. None of these things made sense, but, well, Cruel Intentions was a good movie, and I was 18, and that was that. Then a friend gave some girl visiting the school cocaine, and she had a bad reaction and began vomiting, and everyone was afraid to call anyone (she was fine) and I decided, well, cool, I guess I will never be doing drugs, ever.

There’s also the fact that I move at a snappy pace to begin with and I think cocaine would make me unbearable. I’m pretty certain that if I did any drugs, I’d end up like Roger Sterling, telling everyone “I had an experience” afterwards, because, well, there is just a 100% percent certainty I would do this, because I’m awful that way.


And, most importantly, I really like drinking, so I’m pretty sure I’d love drugs in a way that would mean I would never be able to do my job or generally be a person ever again. I kind of think that this should be the public service message delivered to children. Not “don’t do drugs, you’ll believe you can fly and become a cannibal” but “don’t do drugs, you will like them so much you will never do anything productive again.”

I guess they don’t say that because that could be seen as an endorsement.

So, yes, that is why I am hugs not drugs. But not hugs, either. My people are Nordic.

I guess that’s why I’m T-Rex awkward arms, not drugs.

And I kind of assumed that I was, if not in the majority among my social circle, at least in a largish minority? Though, admittedly, I’ve only recently gotten to the point where I can tell if someone is doing cocaine.

That is to say, when people corner me and begin literally pressing against me while telling me fast paced stories about nothing, I no longer assume they are just “snappy with a poor sense of spacial relations”. Seriously – I’m quite good at this. I whisper to people “I think that girl is coked out right now”. It makes me feel sophisticated.

Until a few days ago, when I discovered that apparently everyone I have ever met has done cocaine. Just, all of them. Across the board. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if my friends were all partying at Studio 54, but it’s 2012. My friends aren’t really Studio 54 party types, either? I mean, I think, if anything they’d be more Max’s Kansas City. Which, to be fair, was also a place where there was a whole lot of cocaine.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d all done pot, because no one would be surprised by that.

But cocaine? Are we living in a Jay McInerney novel? Are we all just fact checking at the New Yorker and hoovering huge piles of yayo? How does that not negatively impact one’s fact-checking skills? Is it fair to call it yayo? I guess I’ll ask everyone I know.

Where do they even get the cocaine? Where does anyone procure cocaine? This isn’t incredibly naive, right? This is just some bizarre New York media thing, surely? Most people are not doing piles of blow? If every housewife in Middle America is snorking up coke like Big Bird and I have only just learned how to tell when cocaine is being done I am going to feel like a comically unsophisticated fool.

So, I’m thinking of starting a super cool club for anyone else who is not currently doing all the yayo. It will be very sophisticated, in its own way. I think we should sit and watch movies, and eat food, and not metabolize it really quickly. We’ll eat low calories but flavorful food, that’s what we’ll do. Please raise your hand if you would like to join my club, because I am feeling kind of alone right now.

We can watch Scarface, if you want. I am open to other movie suggestions, too.

(Also, let’s discuss how we know people are doing coke! I have never actually seen someone grind their teeth, but I hear it’s a thing. I mostly hear it from Bret Easton Ellis and Jay McInerney).