Elizabeth Wurtzel

It’s impossible to forget that Elizabeth Wurtzel published her first book, the best-selling memoir Prozac Nation, at the age of 26. That’s mostly impossible to forget because Wurtzel mentions it every time she writes anything these days, and she writes a lot, mostly about how she’s freaking out over not being the beautiful 26-year-old naked on her own book covers anymore. But rather than be upset with herself for not being that girl anymore, she’s upset with the rest of us and willing to take the entire Millennial generation, which she calls “the Lamest Generation,” to task for not being as awesome as she was at 26.

Since at this point Elizabeth Wurtzel is making a living as the literary version of “The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party,” here are the 10 worst lines from Elizabeth Wurtzel’s crazypants Daily Beast screed against Millennials.

1. Rap sold its criminality–literally its rap sheets–and when that did not work because it just was not true, it sold that it sold.

I theorize that Wurtzel approaches writing by downing three shots of espresso and just going forward and never looking back. Unfortunately her editors seem OK with that, because she only gets less coherent as she runs out of steam and nobody taps in to help her.

2. P. Diddy made living in the Hamptons and having his Black & White Party more hip-hop than the penitentiary. Hanging out with Martha Stewart was truly gangsta–and she really did do time.

Diddy’s party is The White Party. The Black & White Ball was Truman Capote’s event. An ability to tell the two apart is a pretty key job skill for a pop culture critic.

3. You would think that yelling into a microphone would be a young man’s art form, but not at all. Nor is anything else any longer.

Yma Sumac would have something to say about the colossally dumb idea that yelling into a microphone is a young man’s art form.

4. I am stunningly aware that, except for Girls, everything important on TV centers on characters my age, or sometimes older. 

Elizabeth Wurtzel watches Breaking Bad and Mad Men and The Good Wife and thinks only the things she watches are important, which is particularly weird because she then spends a lot of time yelling about how kids these days aren’t creating things.

5. Like college kids, I watch Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, which is my idea of broadcast journalism, even though both of them are older than me.

Stop giving Aaron Sorkin things to rant about, Wurtzel, and stop assuming your issues are those of the world. And doubly stop telling us that you’re young and hip like the college kids, because The Daily Show was on the air when your first book came out, and it’s still relevant to the youngs and the people who were watching it back in the 90s.

6. I know that people in their twenties wearing khaki pants and polo shirts are doing very well with tech startups in places with names like Menlo Park.

Wurtzel has also evidently seen The Social Network, which has introduced her to the idea that the Internet exists and also was about people under 30.

7. It does not make sense that Lena Dunham with her inexcusable thighs seems to be the only twentysomething success story in the world of high art and entertainment. 

It wouldn’t be an Elizabeth Wurtzel piece without projected body-image issues and vicious body-shaming.

8. There is no system too harsh to stop genius. And really it is pretty difficult to slam the door on anything entertaining and lovely that conveys honestly the way we live now. Which is why Lena Dunham has succeeded so well: Girls is great. I wish people would stop saying that her parents are so and so. Say what? Who? I have never heard of them

Elizabeth Wurtzel is like a baby. She seems to genuinely believe the world disappears every time she closes her eyes, and the only people who exist are those she has heard of and the only art that exists is that which she consumes.

9. Fall in the forest and die for all anyone cares, because if you can’t let people know you matter, you are just another tree. 

If you did not get a book or a record deal by 26, you are basically not a human being.

10. I blame the Internet, for everything really.

So does my fucking grandmother.

Via The Daily Beast/Photo: Twitter/LizzieWurtzel