Firstborn (male): You will always turn in library books a day early or a day late; never on time. At any given point in your life one of your best friends will secretly and intensely resent you. You will never be sure which one it is. Upon reaching your seventh birthday, you will find that you can understand the speech of birds; unfortunately, all birds are constantly talking shit about you, even swans.

Firstborn (female): You will self-publish four books before you turn thirty. All of them will be about esoteric economic theories based largely on Austrian Business Cycle Theory. No one will believe that you really have migraines, but you do.

Middle child (male): No matter how many you acquire, every pack of Tarot cards you open will be completely and mysteriously blank. No one will be around to see it when you die.

Middle child (female): You are almost certainly a witch. Your powers will be limited to one room in your house. The room will change constantly without warning.

Youngest (male): You never win anything. Contests or drawings or raffles or anything. This is no accident. You could live to see 1000 and you will not have won the merest gumball or scratch-off ticket.

Youngest (female): You will work at a Whole Foods. You will invent something that almost no one will use, but it will provide you with a tidy income for most of your adult life. You will constantly find things other people have lost: jewelry, petty cash, rare books, love letters. You’ll never find the owners, but you’ll always feel like a thief.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]