Today is the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls. You love that movie. Everyone loves that movie. It’s the Clueless of the aughts. But while there is something for everyone to love in Mean Girls, we don’t all love the same things. Here’s what your favorite Mean Girl says about you.
Every time Lindsay Lohan acts up, it is like a knife to your chest. She’s so pretty and talented and you just want the best for her. You like stories with happy endings and think that if you end Moulin Rouge at exactly the moment Ewan MacGregor and Nicole Kidman kiss at the end of the play, it instantly becomes a much better movie. (Your kids will never know the real ending of Old Yeller.) You adore Emma Stone and Amy Adams. You got your pet from a rescue or shelter, and you secretly feel that she’s not really grateful enough.
A dude once told you that Miss Piggy was the villain of The Muppet Show, and you were like, “That’s a dealbreaker!” You’re sick of women being told they have to be like Disney princesses. The villainesses have better style and lines, and that makes them more interesting people. You’re right, too. You’re usually right. You think it’s more important to be clever than nice. You’re probably really successful.
You root for the underdog. Your life so far has felt like so much waiting. You’re waiting for your turn, when you will get the rewards and recognition you’ve earned 10 times over so far. They told you that if you worked hard and were patient, all good things would come to you. You’re starting to get worried that’s not true, but you don’t know what else to do but wait.
The world is a magical place full of absurdity, and other people take it way too seriously. You believe that everyone would be happier if they could just chillax and get a foot rub and go on a hike looking for fairy circles. After one or two cocktails, you laugh at everything. You probably have a buzz right now. (Lucky you!)
Everyone in high school said you were just like Daria, and that validated every choice you had ever made in your life. You give people shit about their shortcomings all the time, but it’s OK because you only say it to people who are cool with your sarcastic wit or too dumb to know that you are making fun of them. (That’s not actually true, everyone knows you are making fun of them. You should probably stop.)
You just wanted a taste of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, like you had when you were a kid, but then you were possessed by an alien hunger and ate the entire box. Now you’re rushing to destroy the evidence before your roommates get home and laugh at you for eating an entire box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese in one sitting. You’re pretty sure this is what Thoreau meant by “lives of quiet desperation.”
If I were rich, I would hire you to spend all day arguing with bigots on the Internet so I didn’t have to. Internet commenting is your calling. Presenting logical, rational explanations over and over again is really your forte, and your Disqus rating is extraordinarily high. How you have the patience for dealing with trolls and jerks is beyond the rest of us, but you would make a great parent.
You just realized that when Mean Girls came out, Regina George’s mom was the same age as you are now, and that freaks you the fuck out. But it’s OK, because you’re still cool and with it and you blog and everything. Oh shit, did I just say, “with it”?
(Photos: Paramount, Giphy)