1) Judging from the 4 pages on Amazon, it appears to be terribly written

2) Anal beads freak me out more than anything.

3) I don’t really even understand how they work.

4) Like Katie Roiphe, I have seen how they do it in Berlin.

5) Fine, I’ve seen the movie Cabaret.

6) I have also seen Quills

7) I am sexually sophisticated

8) After seeing Quills, I read 120 Days of Sodom at 14, and frankly, I found it kind of unrealistic.

9) Also, that is not a great book to read before you’ve actually had sex. Still. I kind of feel I’ve been there, done that.

10) Fine. I’m worried that anything that happened in 120 Days of Sodom might show up in Fifty Shades of Grey, but especially any of the list stuff at the end, where they start carving out new orifices on people.

11) Like, I don’t think you could carve a belly sex orifice, and have sex with it, and have the person live, the way they do in that book. I just don’t think you can.

12) Oh, God, they were having dying body sex in 120 Days? That’s awful!

13) I like it when people are nice to each other

14) I love Whit Stillman movies

15) My erotic kink might be “cuddling”

16) I am a hayseed.

17) If the heroine’s name is Anastasia Steele, I do not understand how she does not have superpowers?

18) I love colors!

19) Oh, I liked The Story of O. I would rather re-read that.

20) I think the desire for escape from the pain of simply being trapped inside a body, time moving forward, the hell of remembering other people, the grotesque, tortured act of being described in O – well, I do not think that is going to be effectively summed up by a millionaire (Christian Grey) texting a college student “laters, baby.”

laters baby fifty shades of grey

21) So, because Anne Desclos did this better.

22) I still haven’t read The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat

23) Or War is a Racket

24) I’m not actually going to read War is A Racket, we all know that. I should at least flip through the pages though, so they get some air on them. That stuff takes time.

25) In all likelihood, I am probably going to read Something Fishy by P. G. Wodehouse

26) P.G. Wodehouse has kink in it if you look hard enough.

27) You know, I have an easier time beieving P. G Wodehouse was a master of subliminal kink than I do believing that some dizzy liberal arts students responding to “laters, baby!” texts is experiencing the spiritual madness that leads O to a sex party dressed in an owl mask so that everyone, including herself, forgets she is human.

28) I just don’t buy that this peppy girl, Anastasia Steele, who is all “I wants to be a journalist! Writing is fun!” has that severe a case of the mean reds.

29) When I get the mean reds I do… utterly insane shit, usually.

30) I don’t have time to read Fifty Shades of Grey because I have to go buy an owl mask.

31) Maybe Grey just hits too close to home? (HAH!)

32) Nah.

33) Frankly, I have stuff to do.

34) Like drinking.

35) Whistling.

36) Actually having sex

37) That’s all I do. Drink and whistle and have sex.

38) I hear that there’s some sort of red room in this book. I should re-read The Masque of the Red Death.

39) Prince Prospero seems like he’d be kind of lazy in bed, but a good provider. Discussing that.

40) I know this might be a controversial statement, but Mad Men is just a good show. Watching that.

41) From what I’m skimming, Anastasia’s “inner goddess” is constantly dancing around. I’m pretty sure I do not have an inner goddess. I don’t want to feel self conscious.

42) I like to think that somewhere, deep down, I have an “inner completely stable person.” She makes excellent pesto.

43) I just said “off the top of your heads – no one knows how to make pesto, right?” And Ashley replied with the recipe. I told her that was astonishing. She replied “It’s 4 ingredients, dude.” I want to incorporate more learning moments like this into my life.

44) I’m so sick of it being exciting news that some women like to get spanked that I cannot read this book, for fear of seeming that I am discovering something new about human sexuality. I am afraid people will see/hear I am reading this and think “whoa, she is opening herself up to experiences most women have rarely considered.” And then I will want to slap them.

45) This isn’t new, right? We know that lots of women have enjoyed being dominated before this? Like, for all of history? We could read all the books about how a lot of women have always enjoyed this. But barring a nuclear war we survived by hiding in a bank vault, there would not be time enough.

46) Honestly, the most subversive thing a couple could do in the 21st century is to solely have missionary style sex for the purposes of procreation. I’m going to write a book about that.

47) Hah! Kidding. I’m going to write a book entirely composed of badly spelt erotic text messages, because I’d like to make enough money off of it to hide out in a bank vault and never hear about 50 Shades of Grey again.

48) Whistling!

49) O stared at them with eyes that, beneath her plumage, were darkened with blisters, eyes opened wide like the eyes of the nocturnal bird she was impersonating, and the illusion was so extraordinary that no one thought of questioning her, which would have been the most natural thing to do, as though she were a real owl, deaf to human language, and dumb.

vs.

I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

I mean, honestly. This is why.

50) ‘Why don’t you like to be touched?’ I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes. ‘Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.’

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH.