We’ve had our ups and downs with Gwyneth Paltrow here at The Gloss; I myself have had to eat my mean-spirited words after she publicly called her grandmother a cunt. And I’ll admit that when she rapped NWA lyrics not long ago, my cold heart melted just a little more.

But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t joyfully anticipating what kind of frivolity might be wrought by Gwynnie now that she has her own Twitter account. Oh, oh, oh. It’s going to be so good! I can’t even wait. “Here I am in Italy, where I’ve flown in for the day to go to the farmer’s market! A great way to know where your food is coming from!”


You know what though, as much as I’ve shit-talked Gwyneth over the years, I feel like I now have a completely one-sided, almost stalker-ish friendly banter going on with her. She understands why I (and many others) make fun, and clearly, she doesn’t give a shit, or she wouldn’t have opened up a Twitter account. There is no easier way — no easier way — to say something off-the-cuff and stupid than by using Twitter. And Gwyneth will do it. She will, and she will do it soon. And I’ll probably make fun of her.

But when I do, I’ll have the comfort of knowing that she’s just right there on the other side of that smartphone or whatever rich people use to tweet, smiling and laughing and not caring even a little about what I have to say because honestly? She’s fucking Gwyneth Paltrow, and I am not.