As TheGloss celebrates regrets week (send your regret filled stories to Jennifer@thegloss.com or Ashley@thegloss.com in 600-800 words) we’re thinking about a few movie endings that we profoundly regret not being made. Like these:
Okay, there’s very little love for Titanic at TheGloss, but maybe we would have felt differently if the movie featured characters having a full on mental breakdown. Like the original ending!
Instead of Old Rose having a private moment where she drops the Heart of the Ocean into the sea so it can… be with Jack again… she does this in front of everyone. To be fair, she does it after master treasure diver Brock Lovett has smoked a cigar and decided that he never really “got” Titanic. I guess what he meant is that he never “got” that people actually “died” on it and that was “sad.”
In any event, Old Rose explains that the only important thing is “making each day count” and that is why she is going to toss the jewel everyone was looking for over the railings. And the only sane character in this scene replies “that really sucks, Lady!” And that is now how the movie ends in my head.
In reality, Lovett has a complete mental break and begins laughing like a supervillain. Fair. Watch him go!
I Am Legend
First of all, weirdly, the book is really good. The vampires talk – they’re quite verbose, actually (if this isn’t true, you can blame Ashley, because she told me all of this). Second of all they are are terrified. The “I am Legend” title has to do with the fact that the Will Smith character is a legend, known for killing all the vampires.
Right. The vampires are not intended to scare him. They’re scared of him. And there was a point when the moviemakers remembered that vague overarching premise of the book, perhaps because it was the entire point of the book. Accordingly, they made an ending where Will Smith realizes that the vampires are just friendly people who want to rescue a vampire Will Smith was holding hostage. Here:
Viewers hated this ending, perhaps because as one youtube commenter claimed “zombie like creatures having feelings and being loving is fucking cheesy and would have ruined the movie, along with some happy ending bullshit.”
Fucking books with their fucking meanings, man.
The original Pretty Woman script is great reading immediately after you finish 50 Shades of Grey. Originally titled $3,000, Edward is at least 25 shades of fucked up, insofar as he’s a ruthless businessman who loves short selling, and has a girlfriend who is “tiny, but with a perfect body.” Vivien is tough streetwalker who loves crack. He treats her in a way that seems polite in the most emotionally manipulative fashion ever, and she spends more than half the script in tears. In the end, he pushes her out of a car, tosses $3,000 at her and drives away. Then she goes to Disneyland.
I am not making any of this up. Here is the original ending (you are going to want to read the entire script):
Get out! GET OUT OF THE CAR!
Vivian continues to pound him for a moment, but then she breaks down and starts to sob limply.
You’re out of your mind. You’re insane!
Vivian is crying.
I’ve had enough of this. Get out of the car.
Vivian doesn’t move.
Get out of the car!
When she still doesn’t move, Edward throws open his door and gets out.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD – CONTINUOUS
Edward walks around the car and opens the trunk. He pulls out Vivian’s few boxes of clothes and sets them down on the curb. He shuts the trunk. He walks over to the passenger door and opens it.
Vivian doesn’t move. She is still crying.
Don’t make me regret ever picking you up. Now please, get out of the car. I have to go.
Edward grabs her by the hand and starts to pull her from the car. Vivian explodes again and starts hitting and kicking him. Edward forcibly drags her from the car and then throws her to the ground. He slams the door shut. As Vivian hits the ground she begins to cry again, too weak to fight anymore.
Edward looks down at her. He takes the money envelope from his jacket and holds it out to her.
Here, take it. It’s your money.
(sobbing in fits)
I don’t want it. Just go away.
You’ll regret it tomorrow if you don’t take it. You’ll regret it the minute I drive away.
Vivian doesn’t say anything. Edward lays the envelope down on the sidewalk in front of her.He turns and walks around the car. Vivian lies frozen for a moment and then suddenly snaps alive as she hears the sound of his car door opening and closing.
She grabs the envelope and crushes it in her hand. She leaps at the car and starts smashing her fists against it and the windows.
Go to hell! I hate you! I hate your money! I hate it!
We see a flash of Edward’s face as he stares at Vivian pounding on his window. She’s completely lost her mind. He puts the car
in gear and pushes on the accelerator. Vivian is still pounding as the car pulls away. In a final gesture of rage she throws the envelope at the car and it breaks open as the car peels off.
The money scatters across the gutter as the car drives away.
Vivian falls to her knees, weak and crying.
Across the street various shabby-looking people stare at Vivian and the money. Vivian is on her hands and knees sobbing. She can barely breathe. She is completely broken.
She wipes the tears from her cheeks. She looks down the street. The Mercedes is gone.
For a brief moment she is still, frozen like a statue.
She reaches down in the gutter and starts to pick up the money.
Seriously. This is the ending. Don’t worry, there’s a “happy” ending tacked on where Vivian takes the money and goes to Disneyland. Against, not making any of this up.
Also – and I cannot stress this enough – the most offensive thing you can do is “be some golddigger who speaks French better than I do.” Edward mentions it during this terrifying exchange, which is swapped out for the polo match exchange in the actual movie (where Edward secretly tells one of his friends that Vivian is a hooker, and she gets really mad at him. It seems like an overreaction, although not when you consider that they have not changed her reaction from when she was responding to this crazy horrible scene).
William stares at Vivian fixedly.
You look very familiar to me.
Haven’t I seen you before?
Vivian shakes her head no.
You work for Robert’s agency, don’t you?
I thought that’s where you got your girls.
You must be joking. I’m not going to pay a fortune for a high-class gold digger to leech off me. Last time I called them, I ended up spending ten grand for a skinny little thing that kept pressuring me to buy her jewels. I found Vivian on Hollywood Boulevard and she’s charging me a third of that. And she’s happy to get it, aren’t you?
Vivian meekly nods. She isn’t enjoying the conversation.
Jesus, Edward, you’re the only billionaire I know who would go tramping around Hollywood looking for a bargain streetwalker. Just because you got one bad girl doesn’t mean you should write off the whole agency. When you get a girl from Robert’s you’re paying for discretion.
What do I need discretion for? I’m divorced. And I don’t need a girl who speaks French better than I do. Vivian has been an absolute doll…
Edward leans over to William.
She’s a real tiger in bed.
I’ll bet she is.
Edward eats. William watches Vivian push the food around on her
plate. He seems bothered by something.
What are you thinking about, Bill?
You want her? I don’t mind. You want to try her?
Jesus, Edward, don’t be so tacky. I can rent my own girls.
I can read you like a freeway sign.
I’m not interested.
Go ahead. Vivian doesn’t care. She’s used to six guys a night. Just be sure you wear a condom. She’s careful about that.
The gold digger speaking French comment makes it into the final script when Edward says:
STUCKEY Listen, there're some major local talent inside just dying to meet you... EDWARD (as if delighted) Really? Some high class gold digger who speaks French better than I do?
Ladies, learn Latin. Only Latin.
Maybe a little Hebrew. I don’t know. Just keep it real.