Had to eat Joe Simpson for this shirt.

Tuesday, New York Times food critic Pete Wells ripped another asshole in the many assholes of the giant 500-seat distended anus that is Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, the first New York City restaurant venture from celebrity chef and human version of an Ed Hardy shirt, Guy Fieri. Wells’ review appears in the form of a series of questions, wondering why the mixed drinks taste like formaldehyde and why the toasted marshmallows taste like fish, then listing multiple service errors and even accusing Fieri of having the almost-impressive incompetence to fuck up nachos (How??). People who follow New York dining kind of met the review with a collective shrug because obviously Guy Fieri’s giant merchandise-and-donkey-sauce-slathered butthole in Times Square is nothing more than a deeply cynical tourist trap and the Times probably shouldn’t have bothered.

…But then, as the day wore on, a curious thing happened! Many people came to Fieri’s defense on Twitter and suddenly a weird made-up counter-narrative emerged: Pete Wells–mouthpiece of the elitist liberal media–doesn’t understand down-home foods like burgers and fries and sashimi tacos. No, it’s not that Fieri’s restaurant serves pretzel-crusted Buffalo’ed dogshit with volcano mayo and kickin’ kung pao queso fresco–it’s actually an issue of classism. Nevermind that Guy’s American Kitchen sells $31 entrees. Nevermind that Fieri is a millionaire with eight restaurants. No, the Times staff is a bunch of caviar-gloming eggheads who don’t know how to unwind.

Which brings us to today: in which Guy Fieri, the tenth highest paid chef in America, goes on television to push this abruptly-constructed false narrative that he’s just a regular guy who loves to eat and it’s not his fault he’s too real for New York:

The California-based Fieri — who must appreciate all the free publicity — tells Savannah Guthrie of the “Today” show that Wells went “overboard” and had a “different agenda” in reviewing his 2-month-old restaurant, his first in New York. “It’s a great way to make a name for yourself, go after a celebrity chef who is not a New Yorker … I’ve been in the restaurant business 25 years. Do we do it perfect? No. Do we strive to do it perfect? Yes.”

Calling the eatery his heart and soul, Fieri told Guthrie to give him a little more time. “Let’s see where it is in six months.”

Wow. We know this is a fashion and beauty site, but we fucking love hubris, too and this kind of takes the porkbelly meatloaf slider cake for hubris. Additionally, implying that Wells is trying to “make a name for himself” by picking on Fieri is pretty rich, what with Wells having already attained the single most desirable occupation for a food critic in the nation.

Anyway, if you’d like to see a super rich man with terrible taste complain about getting picked on by pompous East Coast elites, you can watch the video of Guy on Today here.

Or, you can visit Fieri’s Facebook to read praise from his fans.

(Photo via Wenn)