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“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.”

When Friedrich Nietzsche wrote these words, I can only assume he was looking forward to the day when us normals would be faced with Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney‘s disgustingly perfect, tragically unattainable fashion collaboration, the $800 jeans of which will remain ever out of your price range, taunting, leering. To celebrate this triumph of combined wills, Gwyneth and Stella have released a video of themselves, their famous friends, and their numerous tiny hellspawn laughing it up at an “English garden party” on what I can only assume is Jodie Foster‘s beautiful lesbian planet that robo-Matt Damon wants to ruin. Here are some of the nightmarish notions that flitted through my head upon viewing it.

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1. It’s not like Gwynnie to hire a free-jazz band with such low-rent, ill fitting suits. Maybe they should make the jeans $900.

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2. A mere petit-bourgeois might think they’re in the Hamptons or something, but make no mistake: this is Gwynnie’s Manhattan backyard.

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3. In a silent comeuppance to Miley Cyrus‘ twerk-ppropriation scandal, Gwyneth consulted with her friend Shawn Carter and decided only to perform the hipless dances of her Anglo-Saxon ancestors from then on.

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4. Okay, who let Cameron Diaz have Fruit Loops? How many times have I told you that she is expressly barred from refined sugar? Now she’ll never go down for her nap.

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5. All the validated children in the world will not save you when the Great Proletarian Uprising of 2014 expropriates your lands. But not to worry: those young enough for re-education will be spared the wall.

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7. Don’t worry kids, that’s not real ice cream. It’s just beans, frozen, pulverized and molded into the shape of an ice cream cone, then dyed some fun colors. (See GOOP recipe #582.)

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8. Me: “Who’s that older lady?”
My boyfriend: “Paul McCartney.”


9. “Lesbians for attention” ceases to be the province of freshman sorority pledges and becomes a classy Euro-thing if and only if the people doing it 1.) Are launching a fashion line with price points of $800 or higher, 2.) Have each been to the moon at least twice, and 3.) Have less than 0% body fat.

Images: Youtube