Look, every time I go over to another website and see, like, 300 comments on a post I don’t want to kill myself. That would be a ridiculous overreaction.

But! But! Other websites do get 9,378,589 comments on posts (I hit a bunch of number keys at random, so I think that number is accurate). It’s not because their traffic is bigger than ours.  And we do get a tons of likes on facebook, so it’s not as though people aren’t reading and presumably enjoying the articles. Or at least they’re putting them on facebook to mock and deride.

However, our commenter base is pretty small, and I am jealous of websites where it seems like there is a thriving commenter community, all meeting in the village agora and discussing their lives and sharing secrets with one another, just letting their togas billow in the breeze. I see thegloss commenter community as more like 15 Vikings sitting in a mismanaged hut, scrawling dirty jokes on the floor and contemplating how to kill people who do viking things too slowly.

I imagine you all in funny hats made out of dead animal bones.

God, I love you guys.

And I say this knowing full well that the last time I regularly commented online I was probably 15, drunk on peach schnapps and trying to express how the musical group Cake was much better than Brahms (I stand by that). So, if you are, like me, someone who likes to hide in the forest of the internet, popping out only once a year to discuss the enduring, heartbreaking impact of “Frank Sinatra”… well, I accept that. In all honesty I’d probably never comment on your website. It’s not my style.

Which makes it hard for me to understand how some websites get such a good commenter community going. What are other places doing right that I am doing wrong?

Is it because our commenting system sucks and we can’t promote you or give you stars? It does. I’m sorry about that. I also find it insanely annoying that we can’t reply to individual comments within a comment thread.  So, those two things are clearly problematic. What else? HELP ME HELP YOU.

And on that note, fuck Brahms.