Contagion, Steven Soderbergh’s disaster movie about a pandemic gone horribly wrong, will make you itchy. If you’re hypocondriac, you should probably avoid Contagion all costs. The movie begins with Gwyneth Paltrow on a business trip in Hong Kong and she goes to a casino with some co-workers. Then she gets a virus and brings it back to America. Chaos ensues. Spoiler: Gwyneth ruins everything.

But maybe this could have been avoided. These are the most effective ways that Gwyneth Paltrow could have not infected everyone in the world with her killer strain of bird flu.