I’ve never been able to muster empathy, sympathy or any other kind of -athy for Megan Fox. First of all, it doesn’t seem like she wants it. Second of all, for as long as she’s been in the public eye, nothing has really sucked for her. Sure, she got booted from Transformers, but it kind of seemed like she didn’t want to be there anyway. And yes, she’s gotten some less-than-stellar reviews, but who hasn’t?

But now we come to find out that upon being proposed to at the beach by Brian Austin Green, her long-time boyfriend, she got so flustered that she promptly dropped the ring in the sand and lost it.

Now, the logistics of this elude me. It seems likely that the ring would have fallen straight down. Even if there was a strong wind, it couldn’t have blown THAT far away. It’s also hard to understand how it was immediately buried, before either of them could see where it went.

But for some reason, I don’t fault them the unlikelihood of it all. A proposal is an emotional moment, and it’s one of those moments that is so rare that you don’t really know what the hell is going on, you’re feeling things you’ve never felt before, and you’re hardly thinking clearly. Anyway, who knows how the hell it happened, but it did. According to CNN, a search crew was deployed and even they couldn’t turn it up.

Dude. That fucking SUCKS. That sucks on so many levels. First of all, she probably feels like shit for ruining the moment. Second of all, her fiance might be Brian Austin Green and he may or may not have a larger bank account than most people, but it still probably cost them about $15,000 (it was a 2-carat ring), and I think that would bum even rich people out. And third of all, losing an expensive piece of jewelry makes you feel untrustworthy, and like no one should ever give you nice things because you’re just going to lose them, because you are a child.

In case you couldn’t tell, this has happened to me and so I’m projecting all of my feelings onto Megan Fox, and I’m probably totally correct in doing so since there’s so much else that we have in common. Yes. I have lost my engagement ring. It is really, really, really, really shitty. Thank God I found it again, but not without developing a few gray hairs and giving my fiance one or two more as well.

One morning, I woke up hung over. In thinking back to all the dumb shit I had done the night before, it occurred to me that one of those dumb things resulted in me not knowing where my ring was. First, I felt denial. I checked all the usual places, but it didn’t turn up. Then I began to feel panic. Together my betrothed and I overturned every piece of furniture in the house, searched every cabinet, the refrigerator, the freezer. With every cushion under which we looked, I was sure that he became more and more convinced that he had made a dire mistake in proposing, since if I couldn’t keep track of valuables already, what the hell would become of our children?! My panic rapidly descended into madness. I called every cab company in the city, convinced that I had taken it off to fiddle with it and dropped it, since again, I am five, and I play with expensive things instead of just wearing them, like a grown-up.

We drove back to the bar where we had been drinking the night before and shamelessly shined a flashlight under the table we had been sitting at. I WENT THROUGH THE TRASH IN THE BAR’S BATHROOM. OK? There. Now you know everything.

Anyway, it wasn’t until midnight that night, at which point we were both resigned to the fact that it was gone, that I had a mid-shit epiphany. The night before, it became chilly. I got a sweater. I PUT IT IN THE POCKET OF THE SWEATER!!!!! I ran through the house, pulled out the sweater and sure enough, there was the ring. I was an adult. I had found something.

Nevertheless, let me reiterate the panic, the self-doubt, the fear, the desire to drown your sorrows in any available substance that losing a piece of jewelry with so much sentimental value, and making the person who gave it to you go through the loss with you, generates. Maybe Megan Fox doesn’t get quite as whipped up as I do, and maybe the fact that she can afford to buy herself another ring makes it a little more tolerable. But if she has a heart somewhere in that aggravatingly perfect body, I bet she felt something akin to sadness and guilt when she lost that ring. And so, I feel for her. I’m sorry that happened, Megan Fox. I really am.