If you wear this, you're just asking to be locked up to keep society safe.

What do you mean when you say you don’t have a Facebook account? You don’t use it? It’s private? You used to have one, but don’t anymore? I don’t understand. Everyone has a Facebook account. Everyone. 

In news that shouldn’t be shocking to anyone in this social media obsessed world, your digital footprint, Facebook to be exact, says a lot about you. Not only do future employers, associates, acquaintances and the rest of the universe use it to try and get some more information about you from it, but if you don’t have one, they just assume you’re a bad news bear. Why wouldn’t you have a Facebook account? You don’t like being bombarded by political and religious-related status updates every 14 minutes? You’re sick of friend requests from the bullies in high school who have conveniently forgotten that they were bullies? Well, get over it, because you’re not just coming off as a bad news bear without one, but a fucking serial killer who’s just one step away from your next murdering spree. Would you like some proof of this theory?

Anders Breivik and James Holmes.

Both of these mass murderers didn’t have enough social media presence, specifically Facebook. Did they want to stay under the radar or was it just too upsetting for them that their friend count probably wouldn’t exceed 10? No matter their personal reasons, society has decided for them and the rest of us that “not having a Facebook account could be the first sign that you are a mass murderer.” Yes, those are the exact words, according to Forbes, that Slashdot used when they came across an article about the hypothesis in German magazine Der Taggespiegel. Did anyone stop to think that maybe Facebook is an annoying waste of time?

As someone who gave it up for nine months, I can tell you that I did it because I’m just over it. I don’t care enough to keep up with it. Even now, although I’m back on it for work purposes, I don’t use it to the extent I used to because not using it for so long got it out of my system — like any other drug. After reading this article today though, I’m really happy I got back on Facebook before someone could accuse me of devious deeds and planning some sort of horrific catastrophe. It’s bad enough I sit here in my underwear all day hiding from the world! Had I not joined Facebook again there’s a good chance my neighbors would be telling NY1 in a few months, “well, she was a quiet girl who kept to herself.” It’s always the quiet ones; and apparently the sans Facebook ones now, too.


Photo: Zazzle