There are three great questions the world over: “Why are we here?” “Is there life after death?” and “Is Jennifer Aniston pregnant?”

Full disclosure before I begin: I have never been a huge Jennifer Aniston fan. It has nothing to do with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie; I’m not one of those people who takes it super personally when vaguely explained romantic situations pertaining to celebrities occur (because I think that’s stupid). It’s not that I don’t think Aniston is a decent actress sometimes. She’s been both lucky and unlucky enough to have achieved extraordinary success via one longterm role, thus making that what she’s known for…forever. She’ll never get other roles or be taken seriously in other genres besides comedy as the quirky, needs-a-life-change ingenue whose hair will never not be golden blonde.

And therein lies the issue the world has with Jennifer Aniston: she’s been stuck in a role and very few people want to let her out of it. After the Brangelina debacle in which the media portrayed Aniston for the next, oh, always and forever as this scorned woman when, in fact, she’s an extremely successful, attractive millionaire who can date just about anybody she wants, if she wants. Never mind her achievements, though. Forget that she received literally a million dollars for single episodes of Friends, or that she’s won several acting awards or that she’s been repeatedly cited as one of the “hottest women in the world.”

No, what matters is that seven years ago, she and Brad Pitt broke up after being Hollywood’s golden couple, then Pitt retook that title with Angelina Jolie and the rest is history. Actually, it would be history if people would stop referring it is as though Aniston’s life ended the day her marriage to a fellow successful, attractive famous person ended, but alas, no luck: Jennifer Aniston has been cursed with the concern trolling masses of the media for nearly a decade, and I haven’t seen it slowing down any time recently.

For a long time, the pseudo-caring comments were regarding marriage; both tabloids and legitimate media sources would constantly ask when Jen will be getting married, why Jen is not yet married and if Jen will never marry again because her ~*one twue lub*~ is Brad Pitt. She, of course, denied this with a very to-the-point statement: ““I have no plan to get married. Got that?” But how will she get her happy ending?, they cried. After all, the only happy endings for women are marriage, right? Not career success or any other kind; no, personal happiness can apparently only come in the form of a ring.

Of course, then the focus shifted…onto her uterus, which I would be willing to bet is more frequently speculated about than any other in the world.


Now, Jen is engaged to Justin Theroux, after waiting some seven years since she and Pitt split. In retrospect, seven years really isn’t a hugely long time to wait, date and figure out what you want after a divorce, so the fact that it was such a big deal is rather ridiculous. For goodness’ sake, if I were famous, wealthy and everyone found me hot, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t catch me dead trying to form a committed relationship for at least half a decade, if not forever.

Naturally, though, the media has now moved on and presently waits on baited breath for her to announce a pregnancy. If she so much as breathes, smiles or exists, she’ll be construed as pregnant. I swear, when I sprayed on her perfume last week, I was asked four times when I was due. Okay, that didn’t happen, but I did wear her perfume to the coffee shop and it made me start thinking about how shitty and stupid her situation has really gotten, and for no fault of her own. I don’t usually feel sorry for celebrities, but I have a feeling that being considered the world’s loneliest — and hottest — woman over and over for years because of one breakup would be horribly frustrating. And now, to have people constantly wondering if your “fuller face” means a baby’s on the way? I would likely give up.

The fact of the matter is that Jennifer Aniston may never be pregnant. She’s going to be 44 in less than a month and that’s an age at which conceiving and having a successful pregnancy can be difficult. Obviously, she has access to some of the best private doctors in the world, but what if she doesn’t want to bother? What if Aniston decides she just…doesn’t want kids?

I’ll tell you what’ll happen: the world will keep turning, our lives will keep going and Jen Aniston will still be one of the most successful actresses in the world. She will make the decision that is best for her — as all people should when it comes to family planning — and not simply for the press because there are only a few people on earth would might do that and their names all being with K.

Women are not, contrary to popular belief, simply ovens biding our time until the “right guy” comes along and pops a loaf in us. Nobody runs up to George Clooney begging to know when he’ll knock somebody up or speculating that he’s desperate for a kid every time he’s photographed with a woman. No, of course not, because he’s a man and if he chooses to not get married or have kids, he’s a “sexy bachelor.” If Jen Aniston decides not to have kids, she’s lonely and sad and finds her life meaningless. Her photo is taken when her eyes are red from allergies, attached to a piece about her desperate desires to have children and suddenly, the whole tabloid-reading world collectively cries for Poor Jen.

Again, Jennifer Aniston is not poor. Her life seems pretty goddamn awesome. Obviously, I don’t know exactly what goes on for her personally, but neither does anybody else who’s not in her day-to-day. From where I’m sitting — also known as the “not for negative, judgmental assholes” chair — she has had so many incredible life experiences and is, in fact, still having them.

…so go fuck yourself, tabloids.

Women do not need marriages or babies to complete our lives; we can complete them ourselves without romance or motherhood, and to continue imagining that her entire being rests on whether or not she has both in her life is as sexist as it is idiotic. Women have long been seen as needing men and kids to give us meaning, but we have meaning without them. Being childless by choice does not make a woman’s life less fulfilled, it simply means she’s fulfilled by different things. I personally want children very, very much, but I want to wait until my life is already filled with friends, a solid career, love and stability before I do so, and that’s my right. If I chose, in the end, to not have kids, that would be my right, too. Jennifer Aniston’s life is her own, and she will choose what she wants to do with it.

Maybe she’ll adopt. Maybe she’ll wind up pregnant. Hell, maybe she’ll have eight kids, get a reality show with Justin (two J names feel conducive to that kind of thing) and live happily ever after on television once again. Or, maybe she’ll decide she doesn’t want kids now, nor ever, and will choose to devote all her time, money and energy towards a Friends musical…on ice. But it’s entirely up to her, and the sooner that people start remembering that woman’s body is her own — yes, even famous women — the better.

Photo: Ai-Wire/, Quickmeme and Friends.