In case you didn’t know, some of us at The Gloss are pretty much obsessed with Jersey Shore. In case you also didn’t know, the season two finale is tonight (!!) and we’re pretty stoked. And by pretty stoked I mean, we’ve been talking about it in the office like … a lot this week. If there’s one thing about season finales it’s that it brings people together. So tonight, when you realize that the whole city is quiet between the hours of 10 and 11 p.m., it’s because you’re a sinner and don’t watch the Jersey Shore. So since you’re going to find yourself at someone’s house watching this magical show regardless if you’re a fan or not, I’m going to save you from humiliation and give you some key glossary terms. And afterwards, you will thank me because you will forever be enlightened and enriched with the culture that is guido. And you’ll probably watch season three.
Blowout (n.): A male hairstyle inspired by 90s boy band spiked hair. The man typically lifts his hair up with pounds and gallons of hair gel and spikes the tips. DJ Pauly D. is known for his blowout (which takes him 25 minutes to perfect) never moving or getting messed up because so much gel is in place.
Example: “My boss seems to think that my [blowout] is gonna fall off and go into the ice cream. This hair ain’t movin’ my dude. 150 miles an hour on the highway on a street bike. Doesn’t move. What makes you think it’s gonna move in a gelato shop?” – Pauly D.
Creep (v.): To lurch or shamelessly hit on a group of girls (or just one, or even guys) in the pursuit of dancing with them or bringing them home for sex. Can also be borderline stalkerish. In the last few episodes of season two, The Situation has known to be a particular creep. In the first few episodes of season two, Ronnie was “creepin” on girls when his annoying girlfriend, Sammi, wasn’t around.
Example: “Ronnie and Sam, they get in one little fight, and Ron thinks that just because they’re in a fight, he’s allowed to creep.” – Pauly D.
DTF (n.): Down to fuck.
The Situation: “So, we have two girls on the burner. We can get the original chicks, which are DTF, or we can get the blond ones.”
Pauly D: “Ask them if they’re DTF though. Don’t waste no time today. It’s Saturday.”
Grenade (n.): A stubborn, often less drunk, friend of a more attractive girl that is a habitual cock blocker. She is also usually heavier or particularly unsightly. Also known as a “zoo creature” (see: Hippo). Can also be applied to men.
Example: “At one point I splashed water on my face and I realized … We got grenades! We are in the midst of grenades.” – The Situation
Gorilla (n.): An attractive Italian, muscular, tan male who often hangs out at the beach or gym. (See also: Juice Head)
Example: “I see a bunch of gorilla juiceheads. Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That’s, like, the type that I’m attracted to.” – J-Woww
GTL (n.): A routine before a night out of going to the gym, then going tanning, then doing laundry.
Example: “Gym, tan, laundry. Because when everything’s put together, and you look great? Awesome night.” – The Situation
Hippo (n.): A seriously overweight, unattractive female. Sometimes used aggressively toward Snooki.
Example: “This one girl starts like charging me like a f*ckin’ hippo.” – Snooki
The Hood (n.): The only acceptable place to get a proper haircut.
Example: “So me and Ronnie go to this new barbershop. It’s kind of a hood barbershop. I have thick, Silician hair. If someone can cut a black person’s hair, they can typically cut mine.” – Vinny
IFF (n.): I’m Fucked Foundation. Ronnie is a member.
Example: “Ronnie’s new nickname is IFF. The I’m Fucked Foundation. He’s a client and the president.” – Pauly D.
“I’m Done” (n.): Staying in a terrible, horrifyingly painful relationship where your boyfriend cheats on you all the time.
Example: “I’m done.” – Sammi (right before she goes back to cheating Ronnie for the trillionth time)
Juice Head (n.): A male who clearly uses steroids. (See also: Gorilla)
Example: “Where are the juice-heads? I don’t see any f*cking guido juice-head, you woke me up for nothing.” – Snooki
MVP (n.): Mike-Vinny-Pauly. Used when the trio goes out together. The only girl who has ever been allowed to happily join MVP is Mike’s Canadian girl who had an exclusive breakfast with MVP.
Example: “It just so happens our initials are MVP. Mike, Vinny, Pauly. We are the MVPs of MIA (Miami) supporting the GFF (Grenade-Free Foundation).” – Vinny
Nicole (n.): What the gang sometimes calls Snooki.
Example: “Nicole and Ryder, their communications are hysterical, they don’t really talk to each other, they more or less grunt.” – J-Woww
Robbery (v.): Sloppy seconds or the act of stealing a girl from another man. The Situation is known to commit robberies, especially from Vinny.
Example: “Vinny was hookin’ up with some chick and I didn’t even know he was hookin’ up with the chick. I just seen him with her and for some reason I think he went to the bathroom probably … I pulled the robbery move on him … so she ditched the zero and went with the hero, I guess.” – The Situation
Ron Ron Juice (n.): An alcoholic drink consisting of watermelons, cherries, cranberry juice, vodka and ice. Ronnie is usually drinking it or making it and then putting his head in between waitresses’ boobs.
Example: “Oh, the Ron-Ron Juice is the shit that gets the night going. I mean whenever that shit comes out it’s always a filthy night.” – Ronnie
Shirt Before the Shirt (n.): Usually an undershirt or wifebeater worn while getting ready or pre-gaming. (See also: T-shirt Time)
Example: “I’ve got the fresh-to-death kicks on, I’ve got some jeans on and I got the shirt. But I ain’t wearin’ this shirt when we go out. This is the shirt before the shirt.” – The Situation
Smush (v.): Sex. Past tense: smash. Also known as “pounding it out” or “getting it in.”
Example: “And if it’s a smush, you gotta put lotion on your butt.” – Snooki
Staten Island Ferry (n.): Angelina
Example: “Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry: everybody gets a ride, and it’s free.” – The Situation
Trash Bags (n.): Luggage.
Example: Angelina uses trash bags to bring her belongings to the Jersey Shore.
T-Shirt Time (n.): A time in the house when everyone puts on their final picks of t-shirts they will wear to the club that night. Pauly D. and Vinny have a song. It is also the origin of Pauly’s “OH YEAH” phrase. (see video)
Example: “We sit on the couch with our tank tops until it’s T-shirt time.” – Pauly D.