kim and kanyeAs the world learned in the wee hours of the morning yesterday, Kanye West and his equally narcissistic and delusional girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, are expecting their first baby together. [Insert collective groan here.]

As everyone’s favorite EIC Jennifer pointed out in her post about this madness, West and Kardashian are, and I’m going to quote her here: “God help us, our version of royalty.” Unfortunately, this is true. What this says about our country isn’t something worth getting into, because it will just involve a lot of knocking of Wonderbread, American cheese and will probably end up being a rant about the fiscal cliff. We don’t want that on the first day of 2013; we want happy thoughts full of promise today, dammit!

However, what we should point out is just how absurd it is to even give a fuck about these two in the first place, let alone the fact that they’re going to bring a mini-version of themselves into the world. (Who shall be named “Kretin,” if I have any say in the matter.)

Any hatred toward either one of them aside, here are just a handful of a million reasons why you, me and everyone we know shouldn’t give a damn about this pregnancy. Besides, we all know Kim was just trying to one-up Kate Middleton with this move. Breaking news, Kim: YOU ACTUALLY AREN’T ROYALTY.


Photo: Will Alexander/