NBC And Time Inc. Celebrate 50th Anniversary Of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

In case you thought Kate Upton was a person who had nice boobs and not a pair of nice boobs attached to a person, VH1 is here to set you straight. In a bizarre, grammar-be-damned article entitled “What We’d Think of Kate Upton If She Was Flat-Chested,” Tia Williams presents 10 facts about Upton that are not directly related to her breasts. I didn’t know we needed to be reminded that Upton is a human person regardless of her “massive, and lush, and flawlessly shaped, and perky” breasts, but as of today I now know that she’s “one of the guys” and “slays the catwalk.” Okay. Williams writes:

It seems that Kate’s breasts are so larger than life, they can sometimes dwarf the women they’re attached to!

No fair. Kate Upton’s one of our hugest celeb crushes, and her rack has nothing to do with it. She’s charitable, she’s sporty, she dances her ass off, and we love every second. Check out the top 10 reasons we’d love Kate Upton, even if she wore an A-cup!

Imagine! Valuing a woman despite that horrifyingly tiny breast size! Is she even a woman at that point? What happened to my boner?

This article leaves a lot to be desired in terms of logic, and here’s 10 honest titles they could have gone with, instead.

  1. 10 Reasons We Wouldn’t Euthanize Kate Upton If She Stopped Being Jerk Off Material
  2. Slow News Day (Boob Pics)
  3. 10 Things Kate Upton Does When She’s Not Making Us Ejaculate
  4. Sometimes Women Are Still Fun Even Without Their Fun Bags
  5. 10 Reasons Kate Upton Is Still A Valuable Human Being After You Masturbate To Her Picture
  6. 10 Facts About Kate Upton, Presented From A Bizarre Angle Because We Need Clicks
  7. Kate Upton Boobs Good
  8. Kate Upton Is A Human Person And Not A Walking Porn (We Think)
  9. Picturing Kate Upton Without Her Famous Boobs Will Make You Reevaluate Your Entire Life And Fill Your Heart With Equality
  10. Kate Upton’s Boobs’ Best Non-Boob Moments

I understand the need for clicks as much as anybody, and I’m not going to pretend that traffic doesn’t help keep the lights on–it’s the nature of the industry and naive to think otherwise. But this seems less like click-bait and more like endorsing the idea that women are sex objects first and people second, and that we need articles like this to even remind us of the latter.

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images