It’s a day ending in -Y, and you know what that means: Kim Kardashian has done something that’s made me tilt my head in that way that dogs do when they don’t quite understand why you’re trying to get the to go fetch: She starred in a commercial for Hype Energy Drink. I know you’re trying to tell me something, Kim, but what? WHAT IS IT?
It all starts innocently enough, I suppose: Kim is riding around on a bicycle dressed as Audrey Hepburn with basket full of Hype, as one does on any given Sunday afternoon when you’re married to Kanye West and have a weather app based on your entire wardrobe. But then the plot thickens: Her bike is knocked over by some unseen force (it’s probably Amy Schumer trying out her good ol’ red carpet prank again. Classic Amy). She then proceeds to appear as Marie Antoinette drinking Hype out of crystal stemware, and the reappears as her normal Kim self. There are dramatic shots of overturned energy drink cans, massive diamond rings, and spinning bicycle wheels. It’s all very Alejandro González Iñárritu. See for yourself:
So, this is basically me right now:
I just don’t understand who on the marketing team at Hype was all, “Hey, you know what would be fun? If we basically put Kim Kardashian on a giant acid trip through history and then film it and also show 75 percent of her boob in one of the shots but do it in a classy way so we don’t get all that Paper Magazine backlash!” Like, no. That’s not fun. Also, does this imply that Hype Energy Drink can make you time travel? Because I’m going to be very disappointed if I drink a purple-tinged soda and I don’t even get to back to the second grade and tell myself not to cut my hair into that weird mushroom cut I had back then. You hear me, Hype? I’LL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED.
But back to Kim. I literally had to pause the commercial at one point so I could express my WTF-ness out loud and take a mini break from what I was watching. Even now, several minutes after the initial viewing, I’m still confused. What did I just watch? Is this all some giant conspiracy to distract us from the excessive selfie posting she’s been doing on Instagram lately? Is she trying to clue us into the new trends for Fall? IS KANYE RELEASING A MARIE ANTOINETTE-INSPIRED COLLECTION? I’d actually be super into that last thing.
But really, I just don’t know what to do with myself now. I think I need to reevaluate some things. Maybe call my parents, tell them I love them. What is happening? What is Hype? Who is Kim? Who am I, even? The world may never know.