For the next nine or so months, there will be two very, very popular babies in the news. One will belong to actual royalty for whom I often feel a bit sorry for since the woman can’t drink water without being on the cover of a tabloid, whereas the other will belong to two people who have counteracted my acid reflux medication numerous times both separately and together. Oh, Kimye, how frustrated I am that for the better part of 2013, many of us will wind up reporting on your poor, unsuspecting fetus. From whether or not they’ll be learning the sex to the exact moment that fetus develops eyelashes, we will be stuck hearing every goddamned detail, including a whole lot of speculation on why the two are procreating.

Sadly, even if the pair genuinely want to have kids because they want to be parents, their individual histories make it almost painfully obvious-seeming that their actual reason was simply to one-up Kate and Will because attempting to achieve publicity any way possible has been the defining feature of both Kim and Kanye’s celebrity identities. To be completely honest, when I heard that Kardashian was pregnant, my first thought was, So, her publicist told her to release a maternity line.

Apparently, however, the Kimye baby will actually be kept out of the spotlight and won’t be on television.

According to TMZ, Kanye and Kim are reportedly planning to keep their baby away from cameras and will definitely not have some form of spin-off. Now, I feel like this is because Kanye West would see reality television as “beneath him” (please tell me I am not the only one who imagines him forcing Kim to slowly watch old, stupid Keeping Up With The Kardashians episodes like a play-by-play analysis of a terrible football game). But who knows? Maybe they want to be actually decent parents. Parents who do not keep their babies awake with cameras and crews and lights.

Of course, this does not mean they will not be profiting in some way, shape or form from having a child. Kim will still be sharing all the details of her pregnancy with the world because it’s “great and cute” — clearly, this is a woman who does not understand that perfume-induced vomit and innies-turned-outies aren’t exactly adorable. And Kris Jenner, who likely would’ve brought TMZ into her own uterus twenty-something years ago if they had offered her a few quarters and some attention, has reportedly already started taking bids for magazine covers.

“[The cover story] likely will sell at $300,000, and that’s Kim solo because Kanye always looks so miserable,” said a source to the NY Daily News, reminding us all that the world is not fucking fair.

In any case, at least there won’t be any “Kim’s Baby Is Born/Eats First Carrot/Has First Twitter Account” specials to avoid. Thank god for small miracles, eh?

Photo: Judy Eddy/