"FATTY MCFATFACE." -- Tom Sykes' hypothetical thoughts.

If there’s anything we’ve learned about Kate Middleton, it’s that she’s almost always pregnant. Really. She has been possibly-maybe-almost pregnant according to “friends,” Photoshop wizards and tabloid writers for about a year and a half because–oh, that’s when she got married. And today, writer Tom Sykes, noted/inaccurate Middleton uterine expert from The Daily Beast, has given us 11 signs pointing towards Babyville for Kate and Will.

First, he claims that she is totally oh-so-pregnant this time because lots of people are… betting on her being pregnant. Somehow, Sykes doesn’t seen to realize that women’s bodies aren’t stocks that are affected by whether or not somebody else believes they will be giving birth any time soon. I’m pretty sure a lot of people who knew me on high school would’ve taken that bet on my uterus, but lo and behold, I remain an irresponsible 23-year-old whose dog practically takes care of her.

He then insists that her face “looks a little bit rounder, and it’s not just the new fringe playing tricks on the eye,” which is ridiculous because literally the next thing he says is, “Speaking of the hair, there is heaps of chatter… speculating that the new hair cut is either a distraction technique to draw attention away from the tummy area or a hormonally–charged decision to make changes across the board. Plus, it’s kind of a maternal cut. We say, about 12 weeks.” She’s not pregnant looking because of the hair but is somehow pregnant looking because of the hair–oh, okay! Because of these things, he claims she has “preg-face,” which is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever had to type.

Listen, Sykes, besides the fact that I hate the term “fringe,” I’m not pleased with your pseudo-psychic powers: there is 0% chance of being able to tell what week somebody’s supposed pregnancy is in solely by their hair length (Sinead O’Connor, for example, has given birth to four kids).

And you wanna know what can cause your face to gain weight besides pregnancy?

Briana Rognlin over at Blisstree noted that facial swelling tends to “come and go with pregnancy,” and a New York City dermatologist even stated that pregnancy can cause facial weight gain in the last few months of pregnancy, as opposed to the first. Unless she has a collapsable torso, I’m pretty sure Middleton isn’t in her third trimester.

Kate Middleton could have her period and or have trouble with changing seasons; she’s still not pregnant. Just because they accepted a goddamn gift–because seriously, who turns down free stuff?–doesn’t mean she’s pregnant. Getting a haircut doesn’t mean she’s pregnant. Just because the pair are smiling towards one another (absurd reason #11) does not mean she is pregnant. And the more people scrutinize her appearance, the more upsetting those critiques get. Before, it was Photoshop and the rejection of wine fueling rumors; now, it’s just cruel.

So, Tom Sykes, calm yourself and sit down. Be patient. When (and if) the pair conceive, I’m sure you’ll be the first tempestuous reporter to call dibs on assholeishly critiquing the entire pregnancy.