lindsay lohan

Look, I think the million dollar question here is not “how is Lindsay Lohan financially in a position wherein she has to play bat mitzvahs to make money. I think we know that. The answer is “bad choices.” I think the questions is “what is Lindsay Lohan going to do at a bat mitzvah to make her a worthwhile addition?”

I hoped that maybe she was going to throw a drink in some kid’s face, because that would be amazing, and kids can be really unruly at bar and bat mitzvahs, but, no, I am wrong. That is not going to happen.

According to, an e-mail discussing Lindsay’s potential performances read:

Lindsay, 26, would make appearances at any event, such as weddings and bat mitzvahs.

“Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist,” the pitch reminded readers in hopes it would add value to her appearance.

Well, that was effective, because singing is really the only thing anyone can do at a bar mitvah other than, say, a little comedy bit. You know, there are a lot of celebrities that slowly fade away into obscurity. I mean, I’m thinking of Elizabeth Shue, who, after starring in Leaving Las Vegas, somehow decided to leave acting altogether and become a nurse. And while I always felt like that was a shame, because Elizabeth Shue was very talented, and no one wants an actor or actress they like to just say “fuck it, I’m never going to be in another movie” I understood that. The pressure of Hollywood must be intense, and, I mean, it’s hard not to respect someone who goes off to work as a nurse. So, that happens.

This seems like the opposite of that.

On such a profound level.

Taking that into account, if I get married, I want to hire Lindsay Lohan to juggle.

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