As we mentioned, noted bombshell Megan Fox has the cover and corresponding interview of this month’s Esquire. In previews, the piece had already made the rounds for douchey quotes: Megan compares being famous to being bullied, yet still doesn’t see why people would rather spend their sympathy on those without mansions and Bentleys. Now, the full profile has made it online and intrepid bloggers have finally managed to read it. Turns out, the whole thing is about as fun as sticking pins in your eyes.

The profile’s author, Stephen Marche, has gotten called out for being horrible before, but this time… it just seems like he’s trolling. Let’s begin with a description of Megan Fox’s physical beauty:

Megan Fox is a bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be an antiquity, an old-world relic, like movie palaces or fountain pens or the muscle cars of the 1970s or the pinball machines in the basement. Bombshells once used to roam the cultural landscape like buffalo, and like buffalo they were edging toward extinction.

The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth.

We’ll start by actually just setting that aside, because that is some impressively awful writing. We never thought we’d hear someone compare Megan Fox’s brow to a “problem of logic.” Also, maybe we don’t need to compare women to animals or muscle cars?

Don’t worry, though, because it can get way more offensive than that:

Liberation and degradation both played their part. If you want to see naked women, of virtually any kind, do virtually anything to their bodies, it’s a click away. And women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field.

Yeah, he’s got to be trolling, right? It’s amazing how he makes the leap from “you can see any woman you want naked and do anything to her” to “while women who you don’t want to see naked are running around all nimbly pimbly.” Does it offend Marche that Dunham, Adele, Gaga and Adams aren’t in some far away basement filled with non-famous people, chained to radiators because Stephen Marche doesn’t want to fuck them? Also, in what fucking world is Amy Adams–who played a real life Disney Princess–“perfectly plain”?

It goes on, predictably:

For every Jessica Alba who is dismissed out of hand, or Lindsay Lohan, whose incremental fall into the abyss of drugs and obsolescence we follow like the weather — boring and expected, with a spectacular storm here and there — there’s a Scarlett Johansson telling everyone who will listen just how thoughtful an actor she is.

It’s not Johansson’s fault. Today, unfettered sexual beauty is an impediment. To be serious and respected, it is better to be homely or cute. Or else you must disfigure yourself, like Charlize Theron in Monster. Or you must allow yourself to be brutalized, like Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball. Or you must pretend that you’re really just average, like Tina Fey.

This is… astonishing.

But, frankly, the real problem here is Marche’s thesis. The idea that beauty is an impediment may be echoed by mediocre actresses the world over, but part of the reason we roundly mock any beautiful actress who whines about it… is because it’s fucking absurd. These women are only being asked about the supposed impediment of their beauty because they were beautiful enough to become famous in the first place. Mischa Barton once lamented that “pretty people aren’t as accepted as normal people,” and we all had a good laugh because Barton wasn’t cast as a hot rich girl on The OC because of her talent.

Anyway, Stephen Marche needs to stop writing insane exegeses about the encroaching mass extinction of bombshells–watch out, Kate Upton, Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Blake Lively, Olivia Munn, Sofia Vergara, Rihanna, Shakira, Jessica Biel, the last 100 Esquire cover girls, every actress and all Victoria’s Secret models–and keep these preposterous ideas to himself.

Then again, there’s an exquisite irony in fretting over the extinction of bombshells while profiling one for the cover of a magazine.

(via Vice, who called Marche’s piece “The Worst Thing Ever Written”)