"When I think about you, I touch myself."

“When I think about you, I touch myself.”

In case you missed it, epically fucked up actor Nick Stahl was arrested this week for “touching himself” in public. Well, not technically “in public,” as he was in an adult entertainment store, in a private booth watching porn. That’s not terribly public, but apparently it’s against the law and he was arrested for committing the “lewd act.”

Back in July, actor Fred Willard was arrested for manhandling his family jewels in an adult movie theater and, of course, we all remember when our buddy Pee Wee Herman (pictured above) was arrested for doing pretty much the same thing in 1991. It doesn’t seem to matter the level of fame, or lack there of, if men feel the urge, they’re going to go for it and do so ANYWHERE. Why?

Masturbation, as we’ve covered a hundred times, is an important part of being human. We are, at least most of us, sexual beings and to not acknowledge that and reach down and satisfy that urge from time to time is denying ourselves our primal craving. One should never deny oneself multiple orgasms, er, animalistic desires. That’s the type of shit the members of the Westboro Baptist Church practice; you don’t want to be like them.

So since we’re all masturbating and probably on a fairly regular basis too, no matter what our relationship status, why is it that men can’t keep from touching themselves in public?

We have had readers admit to rubbing one (or more) out at work, but as far as we know, no one has been caught. I can also confirm that I have female friends who, if they’re stuck in traffic, will masturbate to “kill time.” Again, these ladies haven’t been caught and most certainly haven’t been arrested for it, and I want to know why.

I refuse to believe that women masturbate in public less than men. It just can’t be true, because if it were it would suggest that women might have more control over their sexual instinct to shove their hands down their undies and go to town. This might also lead to a shift in power between the genders, a greater sense of control on our part and an overall ability to keep things classy when out amongst the other people of the world. It might diminish our capacity to be equals in regards to our sexuality! Or perhaps, this is reading way too much into the situation, and I should accept that maybe women are just more stealth when it comes to public “touching” — could that be it?

Is it our inherent ability to do everything perfectly that attributes to keeping us out of handcuffs? Because you know, you guys, we’re so perfect!



Photo: Mugshots.org