Just in case you were feeling too good about yourself today, I’ve come to tell you something: no matter how hard you work, you will never, ever, be as wealthy as 19-year-old child star Miley Cyrus, whose bread and butter includes computerized torture pop, fake food allergies, and tweeting vaguely pro-ana photos for attention.
In the September cover story of Marie Claire, the soon-to-be child bride talks about how Ziggy (one of her five frequently Instagrammed dogs) likes to eat her expensive jewelry not because it’s in her face and looks appealing, but out of some intentional, passive aggressive malice towards her owner:
Earlier, Ziggy ate two Jacquie Aiche bracelets right off her wrist. “She’s a stubborn little bitch, that one,” Cyrus says, her voice tangy and redolent of her native Nashville. “She doesn’t listen to me. She’s in love with Liam. She loves me when he’s gone, but she totally ate my diamonds on purpose. She was pooping them out all morning!”
Do you hear that, folks? Not only is Miley Cyrus rich enough to own lots of diamonds, she’s rich enough to get stoned, let them be eaten by her dog, and then guffaw tunelessly about it. Not to mention, the degree of human deviousness she ascribes to this animal is practically Lagerfeldian in scope. I mean, look at it. That looks like one dumb dog.
Then again, if I were Miley Cyrus’ dog, I’d probably eat her diamonds too, if for no other reason than the fact that her constant non-consensual photographing of me was beginning to violate my sense of personal privacy. (“Keep me out of your online cries for attention,” I imagine I’d say. “I’m not on a gluten-free diet.”) So maybe she’s telling the truth.
Photo: Miley Cyrus