Look. Miracle fruits? They are okay. Have you heard of them? Have you read the 7000 stories about how they are a miraculous fruit mouth party? Jesus Christ.

They’re pills. You roll them over your tongue and they make things taste sweet. That’s what they do.

You know what else would make something taste sweet? Slathering honey all over your tongue and then eating things. Why don’t you try that? Why don’t you get your “experimentation” rocks off on “honey tongue slathering parties?” They sounds great. We can call it “miracle substance that comes in a bear-shaped jar.”

Or! New idea! Going out and eating things that taste sweet! Do that. You think it will be difficult to find goodies laden with high fructose corn syrup? Oh. I’m sorry. I forgot you only shop at Trader Joe’s.

And yes, I’ve tried Miracle Fruit. Would you like to know how it was? Fine. It was fine. It lasts about half an hour. I imagine it would be useful if you were dieting and craving sweet things and yet did not want to eat sweet things. That’s all that needs to be said. It was not a wild experiment, as someone at The Awl states:

“I feel like we all just took acid!” one of my friends said. He was right! There was definitely that sense of group experimentation of the unknown that only drugs can give a group of friends.”

Dude. If this is anything like doing acid, doing acid must be really, really lame. I hope acid is nothing like having things taste artificially as though they’ve all been soaked in sucrose, because if that’s the case, so little about the 1970’s can be justified. Though I suppose both do make people do stupid things like squirt Tabasco sauce directly into their mouths and call their friends to exclaim over how they’re “flavor tripping.” The Awl writer concludes,

The granddaddy of all trends had come and rocked our world. We worshiped at the throne of The Mighty Trend Piece and came out with near bliss. And we can safely say that this magic trend piece will never die, because there’s a need to overshare about it.

Is this who we are? Really? As a generation, this is how we “experiment?” Our parents were literally doing LSD at parties. They were running around naked through… fields or something. Do you know how people coming back from WW1 “experimented?” They sat in opium parlors. They just hung out, smoking opium. They also didn’t run up to their friends and say “I’m doing so much opium and it’s rocking my world right now! Wilfred Owens is the best!” They just did it and then sometimes they died.

If your grandmother heard you talking about how you did miracle fruit and it was so exciting it was like going to a drug party, she would think you were an idiot goody-two shoes. Then she’d pop a mother’s little helper and take a B12 shot forget about it.

But this is it. This is the trend.The trend that young people are just so excited over. It would appear our idea of cool experimentation is “making things taste sweet!” The way life should taste! Sweet, and completely non-threatening to everyone. Sweet! And then we’ll commune with everyone about it, all day, because we’re unemployed, perhaps because we’re amiable and good at following rules and utterly uninteresting. We’ll talk about it on Facebook! And Twitter, and 700 platforms. From our parent’s basements. Or the Lower East Side, which is essentially your parents basement moved above-ground.

This is not rebellious. This is not even interesting.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go snort a ton of bath salts. They make everything taste like goat’s blood.