The loveliness that is Justin Theroux came to my attention when I first saw Mulholland Drive. His role in the David Lynch film immediately won me over; it’s hard to not get all hot and bothered by an arrogant director with a penchant for dark sunglasses.

So when I first heard that he was hanging around Jennifer Aniston, a part of me died. Not simply because Jennifer Aniston and her existence really irks me, but because Justin Theroux is, like, way too cool for her.

Although there are rumors that Ms. Aniston is telling her friends that she’d love to jet off to Cabo and get married on the beach to Theroux, I’m not buying it. Just like I never bought the whole Tom CruiseKatie Holmes thing, or that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were really in love and not looking for some sort of attention. [tagbox tag=”Jennifer Aniston”]

I give you 10 reasons to support my theory.

1. He directed Dedication. Never seen it? Put it in your Netflix queue now. He also hand-picked the music, most of which is by Deerhoof.

2. He was in a David Lynch film. True, Lynch films are a little, or rather, a lot bizarre, but I have two words for you: Twin Peaks.

3. He has bad ass, yet mildly wonky tattoos. Although I don’t know for sure, I imagine Jen has a tramp stamp on her lower back, or probably even some archaic symbol that means “dreams” somewhere on her. She’s deep like that, of course. Justin doesn’t need to tattoo such nonsense on him, because he’s bad ass.

4. He does an awesome Irish brogue. The only accent I can tolerate is the Irish brogue. I won’t even get into the effect it has on my lady bits. Justin pulled one off spectacularly in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle–he pretty much saved the movie from total disaster.

5. He played Timothy Bryce in American Psycho. I feel this is self-explanatory.

6. He gives new meaning to the word “knullruffs.” The bedhead look may be officially over, but so is “The Rachel.” However, Justin still makes it look hot.

7. He accurately played a fella who came too fast in Sex & the City. I’m in no way giving a shout out to the franchise that won’t die, but I am saying that if you’ve ever hooked up with a guy and he came on your skirt mid-kiss, then you’ll understand that Justin played this role perfectly. Body jerking, orgasm face and all–we call this super talent.

8. He’d probably risk his life to save a bunny. I don’t have any proof or even know this for a fact, but I’m pretty sure. And sometimes “pretty sure” is all you need.