Only 11 More Days of Halloween Boyfriend Shopping


With only eleven Halloween Boyfriend shopping days left before the big day, it’s time to get serious about your options.


Hell Bon Iver: In this monstrous landscape of screaming mountains continually melting and reforming in the liquid heat, Hell Bon Iver remains an eternal constant. Black-eyed and smiling, this finance executive has not only never been to Wisconsin, he doesn’t even know what a cabin is. He never wears a sweater, only business suits made of the finest human teeth. His eyes are black and pupilless; every day he eats an untoasted turkey sub at Quizno’s. When nervous or agitated, his lateral ridges swell and fan out from his body, poisoning everything they touch. His favorite band is Sublime.


Nightmare Mouth Ryan Gosling: “Hey girl” is something you’ll never hear this cutie say, largely because his mewling, gaping mouth is both tongueless and lipless and it’s very difficult for him to make vowel sounds without sobbing violently and spewing bile. He’s so vulnerable!!!!


Disturbing-Number-of-Limbs Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Part leading man, part skittering crab-beast, part melted-on Bruce Willis facial prosthetics, and all man (and possibly some swordfish DNA). Together you’ll tumble forward through time, learning how to live and move above the graves of everyone you ever knew or loved as they watch you from below, through the translucent ceiling of their dirt aquariums.


Blood-Throated Johnny Depp: A word of warning; this model is not available on its own but automatically arrives with a Tim Burton expansion pack. Separating the two is not optional. Will harmlessly shake and evaporate into a pillar of steam when kissed. Will eat and replace your pets with hollow simulacra if left alone with them.


Happy hunting! And, as always, don’t forget to safely dispose of your Halloween boyfriend before he putrefies and rots on your front porch.


[Photo via Flickr]