Yes. I know. You enjoy shopping. You appreciate sex. You also appreciate Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Evita, and draw inspiration from her incredible true life story. That’s good. Only a monster would fail to do so.

That said, no, you are not “a gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body!” They are not the same thing. Or rather, you may be a gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body, and if you legitimately feel that way, this is a very good list of transgender resources. However, if you are just trying to say that you enjoy sex and body glitter, then, good heavens, no. No, you are not a “gay man in a straight woman’s body!” you chipper little thing, swilling your cosmopolitan. Being gay, surprisingly, isn’t an endless well dressed slumber party where you just braid each other’s hair and talk about feelings (so I hear. My gay friends could be lying because I am a bad hair braider, also, have no feelings). Your statement is false. Here is why:

1) Because you can legally get married in every state, and can play Evita at your wedding.

2) Because the population of straight women was not completely decimated 20 years ago.

3) Because people do not worry that you are trying to indoctrinate their children into a straight lifestyle. Or rather, indoctrinating people into tolerating your lifestyle.

4) No one really thinks you have an “agenda” unless you’re leading a meeting.

5) When people ask you about your sexuality, you will not have to say “I keep my private life private.”

6) People may bully you, but it won’t be because of your sexuality.

So, yes, by all means, smear on that body glitter, down those cosmos, play some Liza Minnelli. Life is a cabaret – but you’re still not a gay man in a woman’s body. Really.