In today’s “Oh God Please Be An Onion Headline” news, a New York City cop by the name of Gilberto Valle III was arrested yesterday in Queens “on suspicion of a federal kidnapping conspiracy in which he discussed cooking and eating female body parts, according to a criminal complaint.”

According to the complaint against the officer, Valle exchanged a considerable amount of emails and instant messages with various contacts describing how he planned to “kidnap, rape, torture, kill, cook and eat body parts of a number of women.” He’s been charged with federal kidnapping conspiracy.

Valle not only wanted to harm women himself, he also desired to kidnap them and hand them off–profiting monetarily from the “transaction,” of  course–to other rapists. From the New York Times:

In one message to a co-conspirator, Officer Valle wrote that he was contemplating cooking a person “over a low heat” so as to “keep her alive as long as possible,” according to the complaint.

“The allegations in the complaint really need no description from us,” Mary E. Galligan, the F.B.I.’s acting assistant director, said in a statement. “They speak for themselves. It would be an understatement merely to say Valle’s own words and actions were shocking.”

The criminal complaint describes two separate episodes in which Officer Valle discussed abducting women. In each case it appears that the women knew the officer vaguely.

In an episode in February, Officer Valle sent an online message to another unnamed person in which he offered to kidnap a woman on the person’s behalf for a price: “$5,000 and she is all yours,” the officer wrote, according to the complaint.

“Just so that you know, she may be knocked out when I get her to you,” Officer Valle wrote, according to the criminal complaint. “I don’t know how long the solvent I am using will last but I have to knock her out to get her out of her apartment safely.”

Office Valle as apparently refused to lower his $5000 price tag: “Like I said this is very risky and will ruin my life if I am caught.” Somehow, I’m unsympathetic towards his life being ruined. Especially since each woman in question confirmed to the FBI that she did know Valle, which I assume will terrify them considerably–as it likely would to nearly anybody who’s had their lives threatened.

Sure, the complaint “suggests that Officer Valle, who worked in the 26th Precinct in Manhattan and lives in Forest Hills, Queens, never followed through on any of the acts he is accused of discussing,” but does that make me feel any better?

Not really, no. I have little against police officers on the whole–my next door neighbor since childhood is one, and he’s made me feel safe every time I even suggest I need somebody to check out a weird sound in my house that winds up being my cat–but this as well as sexual assault “goofing around” stories like yesterday’s give me so much worry. When anybody who’s given the power of a deadly weapon as well as the authority to arrest people and drive them anywhere, I want to trust that they’re a good person who would never take advantage of that power. And it scares the shit out of me when somebody is so clearly not qualified to be protecting anybody and, in fact, is what we need protection from.

[via Jezebel]

Pic via FineArtAmerica.