This week’s batch of odd news stories screams Lifetime Movie Network. And since all Lifetime movies are loosely based on true stories, we thought it would be fun to take a look at the news from this week, pretend they will be Lifetime movies (we twisted some of the plots and added some characters, but we’re pretty sure they’ll end up on the small screen somehow anyway) and cast the potential films. Here’s what we came up with:

“Love Triangle Skydive Murder”


A man has two girlfriends. One is a married mother of two, whom he sees on Saturdays. The other is younger and single, whom he sees on Fridays. The lovers decide to go skydiving together one day. The younger woman cuts the older woman’s  parachute so she plummets to her death. Now she’s on trial for murder.


Els Van Doren (victim): Heather Locklear

Els Clottemans (murderer): Heather Graham

Marcel Somers (the coveted): John Corbett

“Death by Hot Sauce”

Plot: A man has a secret. He is a sex offender. Now he has his eyes set on his neighbor. He offers to escort her home one night. The next day, she is found dead, strangled and covered in hot sauce.


Michael Benjamin (sex offender/murderer): Tom Sizemore

Angela Pettifer (victim): Jessica Simpson

“Predators on the Prowl”


Eight New Hampshire prison inmates are set to be released. The twist: they’re child sex offenders. Now the town of Concord fears for their sons and daughters and is fighting the release of the predators.


Sex Offenders: Terry Richardson, Christopher Maloni, Billy Bob Thornton, Stanley Tucci

Sexy District Attorney: Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen

“Secrets of Longevity”


World War Two veteran lives to his 100th birthday after smoking nearly 300,000 cigarettes (a day) a having a glass of whisky each night. Now his family is slowly finding secrets about his past and must do so before he dies.


Arthur Langran (100-year-old man): William Shatner

Peter Langran (Arthur’s son): Stephen Collins

Doctor who falls in love with Peter and tries to save Arthur’s life: Tori Spelling