Lilit is taking the pro-patdown side, because Lilit wants to be touched. I am taking the anti-patdown side because apparently just thinking about going home turns me into a Republican.

Pro: I flew last weekend. I went through the metal detector. Since I had removed my keys and change from my pockets, the detector did not go off. Since the detector didn’t go off, I did not have to get a patdown. Then I just put my shoes back on. The end.

You have probably been hearing stories about people who were subjected to embarrassing or inconvenient airport security scans. However, those stories – while they make for good copy – are the exception, not the rule. Fewer than one percent of people who pass through the airport today (or any other day, really) will get a patdown. You know what wastes way more time and makes airport security lines way longer than patdowns? People panicking about the possibility of a patdown instead of putting their shit in the gray plastic bins.

Oh, and that sound in the background is every single person in Israel laughing at you.

Con:

Look. They don’t work.

Or, at least, there’s been no indication that the TSA’s sexy, sexy body searches actually work. Would I let some random TSA employee feel me up or go through a full body scan if it meant with 100% certainty no terrorists would be getting on planes? Sure, you bet I would. It would still make me uncomfortable, but I’d be down with it. Would I do it if they said it had caught one single suspected terrorist? Again, I would.

But the new measures have never caught anyone. So it’s just really creepy and kind of Big Brother-ish for my taste. I’m with John Tyner here, who, when TSA officials tried to give him a pat-down declared “if you touch my junk, I’m going to have you arrested.”  And really, isn’t flying already hellish enough without making it worse?