When I was a little girl, we had a trashcan printed with the likenesses of all the US presidents. Once I was old enough to understand that it’s sortakinda not that patriotic to throw apple cores and used tampons in a receptacle with our nation’s founding fathers on the front, I thought it was an incredibly funny and irreverent way to honor the presidents. That is, until I became aware of presidential erotica. Presidential erotica that today, on this President’s Day, is my gift to you.
That’s right. I dug through the deep, dark and strangely sticky underbelly of the internet’s fan fiction erotica and slash fiction to bring you the weirdest, the hottest and the most WTF-worthy sex stories featuring United States presidents. Surprisingly, it’s not that rare of a genre. Hail To The Slash is a tumblr chock full of presidential slash fic (slash fic is same sex fictional erotica), there’s plenty of erotica about Barack and Michelle, and author Catherine DeVore has written more than one ebook featuring the sexual exploits of one Abraham Lincoln.
One thing that is sorely lacking was JFK erotica. I found one piece, which you can enjoy an excerpt from on the second page, but you’d think the interwebs would be teeming with fanfic about JFK and Marilyn, if not the other eleventy billion people John F. Kennedy is rumored to have slept with. WHERE IS THE JFK SLASH FIC, PEOPLE?
Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy some good old fashioned (in some cases colonial) erotica. Happy President’s Day, everyone! Caution: Very (very) NSFW.
George Washington, our 1st president (with bonus appearance from Alexander Hamilton):
“Yes, General Washington.” Alexander moaned.
“Now, now. None of that ‘General Washington.’ It is George for now.” George said as he slid one finger into Alexander’s tight entrance.
Alexander let out a gasp of surprise. It felt so nice! However the feeling did not last when George slid in two more fingers. There was now a dull throb of pain. He felt George stretching his inside walls. Soon, the pain subsided and Alexander was begging for George to please him.
“Tell me what you want me to do, Alex.” George said with a slight smirk.
“I want you to relieve this ache in me.” Alexander gasped out as George lightly bit the nipple he had been teasing earlier.
Brings new meaning to chopping down a cherry tree, huh?
James Madison, our 4th president (again, with Alexander Hamilton):
“The man turned around “ALEXANDER HAMILTON?!”!?” “in the flesh babay, or did you forget last night?” “damn” thought Jamie “how much tea did I drink last night” “good morning baby” said Jamie out loud to alex “I want you to spread it all over my body like you’re gonna tar and feather a loyalist babay” said alexander. “spread what?” asked Jamie “freedom” said the exotic man from somewhere in the middle of the ocean somewhere. “there’s no time. We better get going” said james Madison nervously “round two?” asked alex “no the constitutional convention” said james”
I think this one is my favorite, particularly the tar and feathering joke.
Thomas Jefferson, our 3rd president and George Washington:
George Washington tore away at Jefferson’s fine petticoat and chest-piece as they continued making out in the woods over the corpse of a werewolf. He then shed his own coat, and then reached down into his lover’s trousers to feel his rock-hard dick. “Take them off, now Jefferson,” Washington said to Jefferson. Immediately Jefferson threw his trousers to one of the trees and knelt down to behold Washington’s fabulous dick even closer. It must have been nine inches long, and in one quick motion Jefferson tried to take the magnificent member into his mouth. As he bobbed his head back and forth on the incredible dick, Washington pulled on Jefferson’s hair, forcing him to take in even more of it.
Come to think of it, I am actually interested in presidential dick size. I bet Thomas Jefferson was hung.
William Henry Harrison, our 8th president, rendezvousing with Martin Van Buren, our 9th president:
“William Henry leaned forward and kissed Martin atop his bald head before inhaling deeply. The salty smell of Martin’s scalp filled his Roman nose. Martin turned to face him and reached upwards with his lips. William Henry placed a hand on his cheek and led him in. Their kissing was tender at first. Martin felt if they could just keep kissing like this, time would stop. This one moment would last forever. If they could only keep kissing.”
Two nearly forgotten presidents find love in each other’s arms. Aww!
Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president:
“I sat down in my well-worn chair and sighed. “How many times have I told you, Martha? When we are alone, you don’t need to call me ‘Mr. President.’ ‘Mr. Lincoln’ will suffice.”
“As you wish, Mr. Lincoln.” Martha turned to leave, but I beckoned her over.
“Come here a moment, dear.” Martha hesitated, and then joined me behind my desk.
Without another thought, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her onto my lap. She cried out in surprise, but didn’t pull away. I could feel her soft buttocks resting on my erection. She must have felt it, too. I lifted her skirts and mashed my throbbing prick against her bottom.”
If you’d like to buy this text, you can do so on Amazon. I hope to god there’s a stovepipe pun in there somewhere.
And now, for the modern era…
“Kennedy was inside the Russian president. So this is what his critics meant when they said he was soft on Communism.
“More…” Nikita moaned, “Don’t stop-”
John had no intention of stopping, he pounded Nikita again and again, both moaning with passion but also trying to make sure they were as quiet as possible. This was what they had both been waiting for. The two of them in ecstasy, writhing on the desk. Things had escalated quickly.
“Nikita…” John could barely contain himself as he blew his load inside the Russian president.
The two of them, hot and panting, were sprawled across the Russian president’s desk. Kennedy wondered how silly the scene would have looked if someone had walked in on them at that moment. The political scandal that would have followed, both of them would be forced to resign from their posts. Luckily for them, no one arrived. There was no one else who could see them. Their dirty secret was safe within the walls of the Kremlin. They lay there for a while on the desk in silence, holding each other, enjoying the moment, as they knew it couldn’t last forever like they both wanted it to.”
So that’s how you stamp out Communism!
For some time now, Nancy simply hadn’t been giving him what he wanted. Iran-Contra had practically impeached his own little Chief Executive, so this was a very welcome surprise, to say the least. Resting his aging head, and the still-sharp brain inside, against his new lover’s bear-like Soviet chest, the Gipper let Mikhail unbutton his pants and discard them- and his tighty red, blue, and whities- onto the beautifully ushanka-ed hat rack by the door. Reagan could feel his personal flagpole eagerly twitch with Mikhail’s loving touch and quickly bringing the President to the verge of his own Challenger explosion. Just then, however, Gorbachev stopped.
His own Challenger explosion. HIS OWN CHALLENGER EXPLOSION.
Bill Clinton, our 42nd president:
Bill Clinton never broke eye contact, his steely, blue-eyed gaze neither antagonistic nor defensive; it simply was. The little man started to speak, but Bill cut him off.
“You know who I am, what I’ve done and what I can do. This is my dick. It’s on your desk. This dick ruled the free world for the better part of a decade, and now it’s on your desk. This dick nearly toppled the reign of an established democratic superpower, and it is now on your desk. This is the dick of a President. And it is on. Your. Desk.”
I’m just imagining the word dick being said over and over in Bill’s Arkansas twang.
Barack Obama, our 44th president:
“There was nothing he loved more than coming home after a long day of dealing with diplomats and the assholes in congress to a nice fuck from Michelle. She could ride his cock like an eighteen year old. Even though the White House was huge, they still had to use pillows to muffle their groans of pleasure. There was no woman he would rather fuck in the world than his beautiful wife. Just yesterday, after seeing a great picture of Michelle in the Huffington Post, he had everyone leave the Oval Office so he could jack off. He worked his cock like a madman thinking about stuffing his dick in between those two beautiful black globes and shooting on her beautiful face. After masturbating for about three minutes, he shot his load all over the desk where almost every president has sat. He wondered how many presidents since George Washington had shot a load on that desk.”
I feel like the least believable thing here is that Barack reads the HuffPo?
Here’s Barack getting it on with Mitt Romney! Oh the mind that came up with this pairing…
An electricity pulses between the two men as they stare into each other’s eyes. Gently, the president places his hand on the back of Mitt’s head, stroking his hair. Without hesitation, Romney presses his lips onto the president’s, thrusting his elderly tongue into his mouth. His and Obama’s hearts are beating strong and in unison. Obama tugs at Romney’s hair as Mitt unbuttons Obama’s shirt and begins massaging his dark pepperoni nipples.
Pepperoni nipples killed me, so I am now dead. This sentence comes to you from the great beyond. It’s really pretty here, but they could use better lube.
Which one was your favorite? Come on, you KNOW you had a favorite.
Photos: Getty Images