child psychopath new york times

Are you one of those people who reads articles like the one The New York Times magazine published about some 9-year-old who is maybe a psychopath and decides, “Oh, I am kind of glib and superficial and, also, I did something shitty recently. Sometimes I don’t care about people! FUCK I’M A PSYCHOPATH!”?

First off – How did you respond to your Pokémon video being paused as a child? Like Michael?

Jake clambered goofily onto the computer chair and accidentally unpaused Michael’s Pokémon video. Allan giggled, and even Miguel smiled affectionately. But the amusement was brief. Hearing Michael on the stairs, Miguel said, “Uh oh!” and whisked Jake out of the chair.

He wasn’t fast enough. Seeing the video playing, Michael gave a keening scream, then scanned the room for the guilty party. His gaze settled on Allan. Grabbing a wooden chair, he hoisted it overhead as though to do violence but paused for several seconds, giving Miguel a chance to yank it away. Shrieking, Michael ran to the bathroom and began slamming the toilet seat down repeatedly. Dragged out and ordered to bed, he sobbed pitifully. “Daddy! Daddy! Why are you doing this to me?” he begged, as Miguel carried him to his room. “No, Daddy! I have a greater bond with you than I do with Mommy!” …

From the bedroom, Michael called out: “He knows the consequences, so I don’t know why he does it. I will hurt him.”

Miguel: “No you won’t.”

Michael: “I’m coming for you, Allan.”

God, if this kid grows up to be completely normal he and his family will all have a really great laugh at his childhood “bad seed” phase.

But no, I mean, he’s probably a psychopath.

If you’re still worried that you might be, here is a test that I gleaned from The Psychopath Test:

Are you reading the title of this article with concern because you think you might be a psychopath, and that would involve hurting people, and that would be bad? If told you were a psychopath, would you try not to be so psychopathic?

You’re absolutely fine.