1st Annual Children Mending Hearts Style Sunday - Red Carpet

Prepare yourself, if you’re younger than 40 you’ve been living a lie for your entire life, because today the LA Times revealed that Hello Kitty is not a cat. Hello Kitty isn’t even her real name. Nope, her actual name is Kitty White, and, let us reiterate this to be clear, she absolutely is not a cat. Um…what?

We can all thank Christine R. Yano, who is curating a Hello Kitty exhibit honoring the definitely-not-a-cat’s 40th birthday/anniversary at The Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles, for uncovering this tidbit of information. While she was preparing all the various written documents to accompany the “Hello! Exploring the Supercute World of Hello Kitty” exhibit for its opening this October, she referred to Hello Kitty as a cat, Sanrio saw said reference and then this happened:

“I was corrected — very firmly,” she says. “That’s one correction Sanrio made for my script for the show. Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty.”

Oh. Well that explains it. She’s a cartoon character who wears clothes, walks on two legs and has a pet cat, so she could not possibly be a cat herself. It’s not like there’s a cartoon mouse out there who wears clothes, walks on two legs and has a pet dog—what are you, crazy?

Now that we’ve cleared that up, here are a few other things you may not have known about Kitty White. She’s British. She’s a perpetual third-grader, she loves apples, particularly in the form of pie, her parents are George and Mary White (also, not cats) and she has a twin sister named Mimmy. Oh, and she’s a Scorpio.

I don’t know about you, but this kind of shakes my whole grasp on life’s meaning. Hello Kitty has a cat head and whiskers, but she is a human child, which means mine eyes doth deceive me. If I can’t trust what I see…what can I trust in this world? What does it all mean?? Oh. Lord. Hello existential crisis…