“This is sickening. I don’t want to watch anymore. I’m going to bed.”
So spake my wise and reality-TV weary fiance, midway through the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion last night, summarizing what I and millions of other viewers likely felt at about 10:30/9:30 central last night.
And go to bed is exactly what I would have done, in order to hopefully bleed my eyes dry of the shitshow to which I bore witness courtesy of Bravo, were it not for my utter devotion to you, gentle Gloss readers, and conveying back to you all the horrific, gruesome, dirty, foul things that went on last night during that shameful hour of programming. I trust the rest of you turned it off in order to salvage your dignity, so here’s what happened.
In this corner — weighing in at 25 pounds less than she did during filiming, Caroline Manzo. Manzo is backed by Jacqueline “Chihuahua” Laurita, and Teresa “The Hippo” Giudice (hippos are actually very, very violent).
In the other corner — weighing in at 85 pounds, following what appears to be a year-long coke and Percocet binge, Danielle “Dead-Eye” Staub.
Refereeing the match, one Andy Cohen, incapable of sincerity and also incapable of holding back Giudice.
Introductions…awkward silence…question one…and they’re off! The fight begins when Cohen lobs out a seemingly insignificant question: what do you think of “Jersey Shore”?
The answer should be simple and obvious: it’s amazing. End of story. Instead, Teresa used it as ammunition to fire off her first round of totally unprovoked insults at Danielle. Teresa claims that “the girl” on Jersey Shore (Which girl? No one knows.) said that she would sleep with a guy after one date. This obviously couldn’t just be left without comment, and so Teresa yanks it out of mid-air, hollering: “You know about that, right Danielle? You’re a pig!”
Danielle responds by telling Teresa that she doesn’t ever “have anything nice to say,” and the fight sets the tone for the rest of the show.
The big brawl happens not very soon after that. Following a montage of the various births this season (Jacqueline’s son and Teresa’s daughter), Cohen asks why Danielle didn’t congratulate Jacqueline on the birth of her son. Jacqueline begins nipping at Danielle’s heels to get her to apologize (classic chihuahua maneuver) and Danielle finally looks her square in the eye, with what I would call a very admirable amount of sincerity, given the circumstances, and tells Jacqueline that she’s happy for her and wishes them the best.
But it doens’t end there — how could it? Teresa didn’t have her chance to stick her fat, forehead-less face into the equation. The conversation veers, everyone gangs up on Danielle, and when Cohen brings it back ’round to the baby montage, Danielle asks Teresa the million dollar question: “Did you acknowledge your nephew?”
What exactly she meant by that is the subject of wide-spread internet speculation today, with the leading theory being that Joe Giudice has a love-child with a woman named Tara G. But we didn’t know that last night, and so Teresa’s next move was simply the move of a lunatic (I mean, it was regardless of whether or not there’s a mini-Joe out there somewhere)…
Teresa roared up out of her chair and lumbered over to Danielle, screaming “Don’t bring up my family!!!!! Bitch!!!! Bitch!!!!”
And with that, Danielle promptly got up and left, and millions of viewers realized that if editing had anything to do with how these dumb, ridiculous cunts were portrayed this season, it had to do with making them look 500 times better than they could ever hope to be.
I mean, I have a hard time narrowing down the things I’d like to say about them. Watching Teresa, Caroline and Jacqueline feed off each other as they ripped on Danielle was like watching a special on the Discovery channel about a pack of rabid, starving wild boars attack a confused baby zebra. Danielle had no chance, and not one of those three women, at any point, seemed to realize that the only reason that they could get away with what they were doing was because they had each other.
And to think — I actually liked Caroline and Jacqueline this season! I was totally snowed! I suppose I’ve always known that Teresa isn’t human, but a lot of make-up placed carefully onto a piece of shit, but I was surprised by how vile and despicable Caroline and Jacqueline actually were.
And Danielle? I mean, honestly? Whatever. The thing about Danielle is that she hurts no one but herself. Sure, it looks like she’s on a shitload of drugs, and she comes off as clinically paranoid in the show, and she is probably not mother of the year. But she never goes out of her way to fight with the other housewives, and she doesn’t take her vendettas about life out on them (AHEM, CAROLINE).
Anyway, all this leads me to the following sorry conclusion — I’m sorry, you guys, but I might not watch next season.
In the meantime, if you need me, I will be fetal and crying in a corner until next week.
Oh, the humanity…