So last night I saw Inception, which answers the question: What lies in the male subconscious? Mostly car chases and guns, as it turns out.

I hate to say it, but Christopher Nolan, who blew all of our minds with Memento back in 2000, is becoming a bit of a stiff. And a prude. How do you cast Leo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard in a movie about people’s freaking dreams – their literal sublimated desires- and wind up with ZERO sex? I guess when it’s a screenplay written by an overgrown fanboy. The Batman movies are pretty sexless too, but it doesn’t matter, especially in Dark Knight; nobody’s ever made whitefaced psychosis as hot as Heath Ledger, and Christian Bale in that batsuit ain’t bad either. The most erotic scene in this movie is JGL giving Ellen Page a peck on the lips, and then looking guilty about it.

The rest of the two and a half hours is a video game: the players must descend through different dream levels and avoid getting picked off by shooters – yes, that’s how creative this movie is, a person’s subconscious defenses are manifested as men wielding pistols and grenades. Yawn. Wake me up when I can see Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams fucking in Blue Valentine, ‘kay?

I just saw a screening of Salt, and while it’s one hundred percent more fun than Inception, it’s also totally devoid of sex scenes! WTF? Angelina Jolie acts the shit out of sex scenes! It’s how she got Brad! And reportedly freaked out the unflappable Johnny Depp! This is heresy! (Still: Salt is awesome. Angie is the new Bourne.)