As you may know, Twitter is more than occasionally a misogynist hellscape full of racist Super Bowl fans and creeps that think stalking is funny. Sure, there’s the occasional awesome fast food PR stunt thrown in that has us seeing hope for the future. But then something like #LiesToldByFemales starts trending, and we just want to curl up in a ball with some Anais Nin and our cats.
#LiesToldByFemales is, predictably, packed with gems from men and women you hope you never meet in a bar. The general consensus is that women (sorry, I mean females) can’t keep their legs closed long enough to tell the truth for one single minute.
#LiesToldByFemales TOO DAMN MANY.
— Ashley (@BlackChiquitita) March 5, 2014
#LiesToldByFemales Every time she talks
— Deluxe (@TheDeluxe4) March 5, 2014
For starters, every time you call women “females,” we feel like zoo creatures and peg you as an aspiring PUA. It’s right up there with calling a grown ass woman you don’t know “baby.” Unless you are, in fact, a confused extraterrestrial visitor, stop it.
Delving too deeply into #LiesToldByFemales may induce rage stroke. But even a quick scroll can divide tweets into a few basic categories. If you ever wanted the Cliffs Notes version of what insecure Twitter dudes (and a tearfully large number of ladies) think about your makeup, sexual history, and voice in a relationship, look no further.
Exhibit A: All girls love drama. Catfighting is in our nature. Don’t believe us when we promise to be “chill” or act like people instead of jealous harpies (chill, in this context, clearly means not causing a ruckus when your boyf cancels plans, cheats, or otherwise acts unchivalrously).
You had me at “trick,” @xnickthesickx.
Exhibit B: Girls that put effort into their appearance are big fat liars falsely advertising the goodies. Judge her for daring to wear makeup or hair extensions, but maybe not as much as you would if she had short hair.
Men that claim to hate makeup are just another layer of the impossible standards women face. When you say you don’t like makeup on a woman, what you really mean is that you want a girl with healthy, flowing hair, flawless skin, naturally pink lips, groomed brows, and dark lashes, without appearing to put in any effort at all. She should wake up and go to bed with the same dewy complexion as a soap opera star. Lord forbid she keeps you waiting for two seconds to curl those lashes.
Also, plenty of women slick on their favorite shade of red lipstick to go to the corner bodega. Team Red Lip doesn’t give a flying f@ck if you don’t like our signature color. Kiss someone else if you’re a hater.
Exhibit C: We’re all sluts.
Let me tell you where you can shove that iPhone.
Every time a girl shames another girl for her sexual choices, Tiny Fey cries.
I did not realize lying about fellatio was a thing until RIGHT NOW. What happened to all the youths and the sexting? Back in my day, girls bragged about skills they didn’t even have. The times be a changin’. Slutty aughts aside, no woman should have to lie about her sexual history. If girls weren’t constantly dealing with contradictory demands to maintain a hyper-sexualized image, repress any desire for her own sexual pleasure, please their partners, and remain the gatekeepers to human sexuality, maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to lie to their sexual partners.
Exhibit D: No, seriously, they want to bone everyone. Don’t trust them to have male friends. They are LYING.
#LiesToldByFemales he’s just a friend.
— C o r – D e l ™ (@CblocHD) March 5, 2014
#LiesToldByFemales I only see him as a friend, he can never be anything more.
— Brock Brown (@BrockSteez) March 5, 2014
#LiesToldByFemales he’s my best friend he’s never tried to get at me
— Vanessa (@peetzuhh) March 5, 2014
The female of the species possesses an uncontrollable urge to mate. The male, while possessing similar urges, is insulated from repercussions by a centuries old double standard. As the weaker sex, his ego must be protected to ensure propagation of species.
It’s almost enough to make you ditch Twitter altogether. Thankfully, there are a few awesome comebacks.
Moral: Listen to the man in the suit.
Or, don’t. #LiesToldByFemales is a really great filter for single ladies out there. You can always count on Twitter to find out if your potential partner is witty and hilarious or a misogynist who luvs emojis. Keep it classy, Twitterverse.