The world, by now, has a very clear image of Snooki: a drunken, coochie-flashing, fucking-on-dirty-sheets faux-Italian stereotype with cheap hair extensions and alcohol-infused vomit perpetually staining her skintight clothing. It’s not a pretty picture, but it’s a picture that most of us probably begrudgingly accept as the truth.
But in this month’s issue of GQ, Snooki wants to begin to change that image. She isn’t the puking, fornicating buffoon that the world sees, she contends: rather, she’s an illiterate, puking, fornicating buffoon who would happily operate on your family dog.
That’s right — in her attempt to convince the viewing audience of the world that she is not the moron TV makes her out to be, Snooki wants you to know that she got her degree in veterinary tech, and also, that she does not read (apparently, the two are not mutually exclusive!):
GQ: So, I’ve got to ask: You’ve really never heard of J.K. Rowling or Maya Angelou?
Snooki: I don’t read. I don’t like to read Harry Potter or anything like that. It’s not my style.
GQ: But you’re a New York Times best-selling author!
Snooki: Yeah, doesn’t mean I have to read.
GQ: Fair point. What is your favorite book?
Snooki: Dear John. I read that in a day because it was so amazing. And then I ended up seeing the movie and it was really good. We were supposed to read in high school but I never did because I just used the CliffsNotes, books were too long.
GQ: What if somebody was supposed to read your book and they read the CliffsNotes? Would you feel slighted?
Snooki: Um, they would still get it. I mean, some people just don’t want to read but they want to know what the book’s about. I wouldn’t feel offended. The fact that they’re even looking it up is cool.
Books are too long. Books ARE too long! Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of this before? Books. Are too. Long. What have we all been wasting our time doing, forcing our eyes to view so many words and our brains to make sense of them?
Anyway, Snooks didn’t stop there, letting the interviewer know that he was the first person to ever actually make her think during an interview:
GQ: What do you think people’s perception is of you guys?
Snooki: They just think that we’re stupid, that we have no education, and all we do is drink, have sex.
GQ: Do you want to change that?
Snooki: Oh, I would love to. I have an education, I went to college, you know?
GQ: Do you look at the next season of Jersey Shore as an opportunity to change that perception?
Snooki: Jersey Shore is always going to be Jersey Shore. If you want to break away you have to do something not with Jersey Shore. This is so serious. I’ve never really had to think in an interview.
GQ: We’re real serious people at GQ.
Snooki: This is the first real interview that I ever did in my life!
GQ: What about your Barbara Walters interview?
Snooki: I didn’t even think with her.
GQ: What was your major?
Snooki:Veterinarian tech. Test me and bring me to a hospital. I can induce an animal, do surgery, do anesthesia, and take blood. So if you want to tell me I’m stupid again, let’s go to an animal hospital.GQ: What’s an animal that you’ve worked with before?
Snooki:I did dogs and cats. I’ve actually worked with ducks, drew blood from a horse, and stuck my hand in a cow’s ass.
GQ: You have a camera on you nearly all the time these days. Is there anything we don’t know about you?
Snooki:I don’t think so. I just know that I’m going to be 98 pounds again and everyone can suck it.