So, you know those commercials for Miller Lite, in which a guy is mocked and emasculated by various individuals (usually hot women) for picking the wrong kind of beer?

Well, I had noticed a blessed dearth of them for a while, and was starting to think, in my hopeful naivete, that they had finally gone away. But as soon as I started to feel comfortable turning on the TV again, bam! I was bombarded by them all over again, spoiling my safe zone and traumatizing me permanently.

In response (and since I have no other form of recourse…it’s not like I’m going to stop watching TV), I’d like to tell you the five most annoying things about these ads, with the hope that someone over at the Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee Wisconsin, will see and feel hurt:

  1. The xenophobia. Hey, guess what? It’s not hilarious to make fun of Europeans on national television. THAT’S WHY THE WORLD HATES US.
  2. The bitchy bartenders. Seriously. Maybe guys think it’s super hot when women belittle them and insult them. Or maybe that shames them into buying a certain kind of beer. I don’t know. But I find them really irritating.
  3. The misguided notion that drinking one light beer over another makes you more masculine.
  4. The misguided notion that what you drink, period, has anything to do with your masculinity.
  5. Yes, I’m going to say it — the misogyny. “Man up,” as in, you’re like a little, sad, pathetic girl if you don’t drink this particular brand of lite beer.

And you know, I wouldn’t have had to bash you, Miller Lite, if you didn’t keep projecting this abomination of a campaign into my living room. It’s not like I want to start a fight with you, but you leave me no choice.