The important thing to remember is that you will not be able to escape the coming civil war – there are no safe and neutral hidey-holes in which the cowardly can huddle together and take pathetic refuge. You will have to choose, and choose quickly.

What began as a series of playful jabs on Twitter quickly escalated to a brutal street battle that claimed the lives of Zayn Malik and Max George. From there, events quickly spiraled out of control, with each member of the band taking to the hills outside of Los Angeles to conduct a savage guerilla campaign. Niall Horan was the first victim: upon returning to his childhood home for supplies, he discovered every single member of his extended family had been shot in a gang-style mass execution. His anguished screams can still be heard echoing in the canyons and valleys below.

The rest, of course, is terrifyingly familiar to all of you: the enforced citywide curfews, the nightly Fear Squad sweeps, the rounding of all other boy band members, past and present, into internment camps – and their subsequent disappearances. A grieving Jessica Biel stands outside the camp gates, standing a lonely, eternal vigil for her lost husband. Nicki Minaj was lost in the brilliant, incandescent heat of battle, laughing fiercely as she was pulled down to earth by a thousand clawing tweens.

Whatever sleepy hamlets villages that have escaped the conflagration until now cannot much longer count on their neutrality to keep them safe. The violence is coming, whether they will or no. The country can move in only one direction – the direction of war.

[Image via Flickr]