In honor of Princess Week at TheGloss, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff are arguing some pretty heady topics (like Princess Toadstool versus Princess Zelda). Today, they argue the titular princes of “Two Princes” by the Spin Doctors and which one the princess in question should marry. Video here if you need a refresher, but we’ve lovingly screen capped some of it.

Jennifer:  I’d just like to say how glad I am that this is a debate where I can be the practical one. Because I feel like usually I get pigeon holed as some sort of starry eyed romantic who believes that you should reunite with your ex or that Princess Toadstool and Yoshi should be free to embrace their interspecies love, or whatever. But in this case, the answer is clear, and the answer is, you go with the prince who is a responsible, successful grown-up, and not the one who will make your family disown you.

Ashley: I think the Father in the song sounds irrational. “He’ll eat his hat.” Sounds like a weirdo.

Jennifer: What? Logic? “I’ll eat my hat” is a common saying expressing disbelief.

Ashley: Not in this case. What kind of reasonable man eats his hat to spite his daughter for marrying this nice earnest young man in the cable knit sweater?

Jennifer:  I think the implication is that he will eat his hat, if she marries stupid poor cable knit sweater prince and they are happy. WHICH THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THEY WILL BE. I’m basing this largely upon Cable Knit’s bizarre assumption that she would want to buy him flowers. And giving her permission to do so. They’re going to live off her father’s money. Because he has no future or family tree. The king is the victim in all of this.

Ashley: What makes you think the Father has money? Who’s to say this isn’t a family of money grubbing social climbers and the Father wants the Daughter to marry up?

Jennifer: “Ooh your majesty.” He refers to her as “your majesty.” At least, I believe that’s what’s happening. She is a princess. She is a scrappy upstart prince, armed with some charm but a lazy, self-serving attitude. …How is that worth turning down the one who will give her awesome rockets? He is a space prince. Like Han Solo.

Ashley: She is a metaphorical princess. And she deserves a metaphorical prince. Furthermore, Han had a blaster. Not the ability to doll out rockets like some sort of forlorn subject of an Elton John song.

Jennifer:  You don’t know what happened after the coronation.

Ashley: Look, the implication of the song is that the real prince–or at least the one with some big seal upon his jacket–doesn’t actually love the princess in question.

Jennifer:  Two princes who adore you.

Ashley: Okay, but Cable Knit is the one that loved [her] baby, can’t you see.


Jennifer:  No. He says he knows what a lover ought to be. However, I believe he is confused. Love is about compromise, sacrifices, trying to improve the other person’s life. Putting their needs before your own. He seems to think it’s about getting flowers from some chick, allowing her to send them. The one offering her a stable life is the right pick after the initial glow wears off, and Cable Knit gets old and fat.

Ashley: No, he sets out an ultimatum because he’s tired of her irresoluteness. Thus, the prompt is made simple: She can call him Baby, she can say “Maybe,” she can buy him flowers or even talk for hours. All of which she is welcome to go ahead now. In this way, it is a feminist anthem. While your dynastic leanings would suffocate love.

Jennifer:  Well, no. No. What’s wrong with the first prince? …NOTHING. They both adore her.

Ashley: And kneel before her.

Jennifer:  Also, can we not assume the king’s judgement is worth something? I mean, maybe this is just coming from a decent family, but I assume most parents really do want their children to be happy, are open to people who will make them happy.

Ashley: Huh. What if it’s a Divine Right kingship and he has no real qualifications to be king? Other than, like, God choosing him. Or whatever.

Jennifer: The fact that her father will disown her over this guy seems like a pretty telling sign that Cable Knit isn’t a great prospect. Probably because Cable Knit is on meth and never wants to get a job. I mean, yeah, Ashley, addicts can be very charming.

Ashley: Please, Jennifer, “musicians.” Be civil.

Jennifer: He admits he ain’t got no future.

Ashley: No, no, the future is full with outdoor music festivals and hash fantasies. Which the King can’t understand. Because he’s not a shrewd King. He’s an overbearing, hat-eating King.

Jennifer:  It’s not like “Yeah, I’m struggling now, but in a few years I’ll have earned this degree and I’ll be able to support a family in a neighborhood with decent public schools.” Jesus God, this kind of song is why women marry people who are going to make them really unhappy.


Jennifer:  And you! You would never date a meth addicted musician with no future who your father hated! You don’t even like meth! It’s weird that he’s on that though, right? Because at least in the early stages it should make him artifically speedy. So I guess he’s been on it for while, really just ruined at this point. Teeth falling out. Scratching for bugs under his skin. God. It’s terrible.

Ashley: Cable Knit doesn’t need teeth because he is a sensitive vegetarian. But all Big Seal has got is some kind of nebulous promise of “rockets.” Rockets are dangerous, Jennifer. Maybe the King has a laissez-faire attitude toward personal safety, so long as his daughter marries into a station of which he approves.

Jennifer:  I cannot contest the danger of rockets. But! I will say that he only wants to buy them for her. He did not show up with rockets. It’s probably on the condition that she say “go ahead now. I love rockets!” Because he wants to make her happy and give her everything she needs for a productive, rocket filled life. He has diamonds in his pockets, too. He’s able to just assume those are a nice thing to show up with. But rockets, he’s waiting, because he doesn’t know if she loves danger, yet. He wants her opinion on that. He wants to know how she feels. God Big Seal is so great. I wish I could marry someone who wanted to know how I felt about rockets.

Ashley: FINE. It was considerate of Big Seal to test the waters regarding rockets. But let’s call this a stalemate because Cable Knit clearly belongs with a more assertive, woman-forward princess. Some sort of Little Miss [who] Can’t Be Wrong.

Jennifer:  A fellow meth addict? With no future? Fine.

Ashley: Yes, fine. I can’t take this song anymore. Let’s listen to the Gin Blossoms.