This past holiday was really something special for The Misanthropologist.

I wanted to share my account of what happened but it’s taken me a few weeks to really process what happened, to internalize it. The event was not necessarily traumatic, but it left me changed. It took from me something I can never recover but in turn gave me something greater.

It was this (NSFW if your workplace hates artistic expression).

That’s right. Enrique Iglesias released a song entitled “Tonight (I’m F*ckin’ You),” and it destroyed everything I know and understand about pop music and sexuality and ethics and gender roles and melody… while simultaneously building up a new and magnificent fortress of knowledge in its still-smoldering wake. Moreover, the music video is a poetic elucidation of the hero’s journey and has nipple.

If you’re at work you can see the shameful edited version here. But let me just say that changing “Tonight (I’m F*ckin’ You)” to “Tonight (I’m Loving You)” would be like fiddling with Madame X’s bra straps or drawing dicks on the walls at Lascaux, which I have done and is not half as satisfying as you’d expect. It’s just not the same, the emotional punch is pulled and when he warms, “Please excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude…” it feels toothless, dispassionate.

After you’ve watched the video and your life is changed, you can actually enter a contest to win THREE NIGHTS OF EUPHORIA IN MIAMI BEACH WITH ENRIQUE IGLESIAS. I’m imploring you to enter it because 1) I don’t do well with direct sunlight, 2) since in some way I’m employed by TheGloss I cannot enter this contest and thus experience THREE EUPHORIC NIGHTS WITH ENRIQUE IGLESIAS and 3) I’m starting to worry they’re gonna take a finger, so I really can’t push it by entering the contest anyway. Or a toe.

But what I can do is watch this video hundreds of times by myself. Here I’ve created a slideshow detailing the plot of this opus, which I think proves to be a helpful companion piece and one that expands (however humbly) on the manifold allusions to classical myth. It is a richly woven tapestry. The slideshow is safe for work, but may threaten nearby colleagues with its outrageous elegance.