I was reading the internet today because I’m apparently supposed to read about things that are currently happening and provide intelligent, insightful commentary on them. So: an Olive Garden in Florida served a toddler a screwdriver and they’re in trouble for it (watch the video here, but take my word for it, this kid has narc written all over him).

Now, first of all, I’m banned from all the Olive Gardens in the New York metropolitan area (“especially” the one in Times Square) (the Times Square Red Lobster, inexplicably, still welcomes me with open arms) but I’m really psyched on the chain today because they appreciate that life is hard and sometimes everyone needs a drink. Also, toddlers that like to party are practically the only acceptable babies in my book (them and the baby from Baby’s Day Out because that baby didn’t give a fuck).

Anyway, I figure that the Olive Garden’s real problem was in serving the kid a screwdriver, because nobody really likes screwdrivers (unless the juice is fresh squeezed) (doye). So I put together this gallery of cocktails that kids would appreciate being served in an Olive Garden. I firmly believe that if the Olive Garden had served that baby one of the following drinks, he wouldn’t have been dissatisfied and narc’ed on them.

Also, these days, kids are doing all kinds of dark shit. Like, shit so dark I hadn’t even heard of it until I started Googling random words and the phrase “jammed full of.” So, starting them early on drinking will lead them down a more wholesome path than all that pre-teen sex and drugs and emo music shit. Basically, if there’s one thing I know about parenting, it’s that you’ve got to nurture lesser vices in children.

Thus. Here are my suggestions for cocktails all toddlers will love and not reject, thereby getting your restaurant in the shit for being so legit.